the WW meeting

   Today was my second weigh-in at my at-work Weight Watchers (WW) meeting. I lost 1.4 pounds. I know. Most people would think that is a small and pointless amount of weight. But, not for me. For years my weight has been steadily increasing. This tiny weight loss is a sign that perhaps I may be actually "getting it" this time. I weighed my highest weight in January 2007 when I last joined WW. Since then, I have now lost 28.4 pounds. Again, some may say that this amount is so small that it doesn't count. I disagree. I feel different than I did back in January 2007. Daily activities are not as much of a struggle. My clothes fit differently. The biggest joy about losing the weight is knowing that I'm heading in the right direction, no matter how small.
    This week my goal is to spread my WW points out more. If you are not familiar with WW, the program is based on a "points" system. There are a few factors that help you calculate your number of points you count eat per day. The fat, fiber, and calories in food determine the points that food would have. The lower the points value of a food, the "healthier" it is for you. Basically, they take the work out of always tracking calories and fat. They do that for you and simplify that information down to a number. As you eat, you add up the points for what you consume and attempt to not go over what your allotment would be for the day. That's an extremely simplified version of it, but you get the gist. For example, I can use 42 points per day. Anyone on the program can probably guess my weight (or close to it) from just that information. I am not a huge fan of eating early in the day. Early to me is anything before noon. Eating breakfast and lunch is a struggle for me. Last week, I started out eating something light for breakfast and lunch. Usually I don't have any breakfast or lunch and I'm not really hungry until after 4pm. BUT, I noticed that when I eat in the morning, I'm hungry for the rest of the day. I've been eating 1 large banana for breakfast, 1 large banana for a late morning snack, a can of St. Dalfour pasta and veggies for lunch (that stuff is soooo good), and some water. That is only 8 points. An entire meal should probably be more than that. When I get off from work and before dinner I've been eating some 0 point veggie soup. I've been eating miniscule dinners too. I think I'm an example of how when you eat too little it can actually sabotage weight loss. I need to eat all the way up to my 42 points per day and spread them out more evenly during the day. 
   In our meeting today we were also introduced to the exercise element of the program. Any exercise you do (including housework, gardening, etc) equates to their points system as well. You have two options. You can either use those points and increase your food intake OR you can ignore them. I suppose the thinking is that if you are working out or expending more energy, you may be hungrier and need those extra points to get you through the day. Even when I was on the WW program before, I never used the exercise in that way. I just let the exercise to help me lose extra weight.
  OK, so. The goals for this week are to get some exercise every day, to eat more, and to spread the points our throughout the day better. I'll keep you posted on how I'm doing.

Day by day

   Well, last night was the finale for The Biggest Loser. Each season, I usually get all excited about it and can't wait for it to come on. This time, there was a really "blah" feeling about it. I think I get disappointed in the show sometimes. Don't get me wrong. If I had the chance to leave my life for a while and go on the show to lose weight, I totally would. I just see that it's kind of the same every year. People who were sent home earlier, generally don't lose as much weight. How could you really make a huge change if you only had a week or two of guidance on a problem that took years to create? People who were at the ranch longer, lose more weight. Duh! Let's see what else? On air marriage proposal...check. Contestants who starve themselves to win the money...check. Last person on the scale winning (except for last season)...check. Confetti...check. Blah, blah, blah.
   I think the biggest source of my feelings about the show is about inspiration. My source of inspiration has shifted. I am becoming my own inspiration. My heels are having some days when they actually feel tolerable. On those days, I move around more. I went to the gym this past Monday morning. My feet hurt worse in the mornings, so I'm hoping to start going after work soon. I started walking to the neighboring building to get the mail during work each day for a little more exercise (and because I get impatient waiting for anyone else to volunteer to do it).  I walk around in the office more as well.
   Last Thursday (December 3, 2009), our Weight Watchers (WW) meeting officially started here at work. It was our first official weigh-in for the 19 week program. As usual, I'm the biggest person there. We had an information session on November 19. I stayed after the meeting and had the meeting leader weigh me. I will not say my weight (I'm still not comfortable enough yet to do that). I had lost 10 pounds since my physical in September. We did not have a meeting the next week because of the Thanksgiving holiday.  So, last week was the start of the program. When I weighed, I had lost 3 pounds over the two weeks. I had not been going to the gym and had been off of my feet most of the time because of the spurs. I don't know what I did to lose the 3 pounds. Back in January 2007 was the last time I tried WW. From my highest lifetime weight in January 2007 until last Thursday, I have lost 27 pounds. That may not be "biggest loser numbers", but at least I'm heading in the right direction. I also have to believe that those are 27 pounds that will be gone forever because I took my time to lose them. They are the result of a little more physical activity and not drinking sodas since February.
  The biggest challenge for me with the WW program are my own faulty eating habits.  I do this "thing" with eating. I will go a good portion of the day without eating and then be starving by 4pm and ready to catch up on my food intake. I eat all of my calories between 4pm and 10pm. I have tried to stop this behavior, but have been unsuccessful. So, WW will be a test for me in this area. This past week I ate sparingly during the day and still "pig out" at dinner time. I have, however, managed to stay within my points allotment on the program each day. Two times I went out for fast food because I was craving fatty foods. I feel so out of control.
  I hope I can just get up the energy and feel well enough to get back to the gym regularly. I miss going. It was my time to sweat, listen to music, read, and just be left alone in my own little world. It is a good way to start the day. If I could get the eating and the exercise to harmonize, life would be good.
  I almost forgot, I promise to take the time to start putting up pictures on the blog so anyone who is reading can see my progress.

Mental blocks

     I'm trying to desperately figure out the root of my weight issues. I'm having a really hard time with this. It all started last night. I was watching the Biggest Loser last night. I see them crying and happy about the changes in their bodies and I start to think that could be me. I get inspired and swear that I'm going to go to the gym the next day. I swear that I'm going to eat right. I cry and make these empty promised to myself. Then the next morning I DON'T go to the gym and I don't eat anything until around 4 or 5pm.
   This brings me to my mental blocks. I'm trying to figure out why I WANT to lose weight, but my actions reflect something totally opposite. I once set a goal to run the Virginia Ten Miler in September 2010 as well as the Charlottesville Women's Four Miler. My husband has even made preliminary arrangements to go on a weight-loss celebratory trip to Florida. That says to me that he has faith that I'm serious and going to lose the weight and run my races. I don't know what happened in my head somewhere after Oct 5. I keep on saying that it is because I started the new job hours on Oct 7. But, if I want something bad enough, I would do it. By the way, this past Monday I did not go to the gym after work. I was too tired. I have been terribly depressed since my heels have limited my walking. But, again, if I wanted to meet this goal (which would help me meet other goals) I would ge in that gym and eating correctly no matter what. So, what is keeping me from doing it? I have noticed that I am afraid to get on new equipment and try new things in the gym. I think I'm going to see how much a personal trainer would be at my gym. Maybe if someone was waiting for me to come to the gym, I'd go back.
   I really don't know what my problem is. Every day I live is another chance to change my course, but I just don't. Why? What is holding me back? If I could lose weight, I could free myself from much of my mental anguish. I could live out my dreams. How can I lose the mental "weight" that is holding me back?

Dusting myself off

   It has been nearly one month since I last posted about my weight loss journey. There has been a legitimate reason for the delay. As I have previously posted, since August 2008, I have been suffering from a heel spur problem. It started in August 2008 with a little pain in my right heel maybe once per month. It has progressed to excrutiating pain in both heels.  I have spurs on both heels. I was seeing one doctor, but felt that I would like to explore the services of another doctor. I just wanted to see what another doctor may suggest. About 3 weeks ago I went to another doctor for platelet rich plasma therapy (PRP) on both of my heels. I have been in so much pain from the treatment that I have had little mobility. Walking has become a near impossibility. On Thanksgiving day I decided to do some more in depth research on this spur problem...causes, treatments, etc. I read in a number of places online that spurs can possibly be a direct result of eating habits. Some people have found relief from spurs by taking increased calcium and magnesium. I started taking the suggested 1,500 mg of calcium (via the ever-fun Vitafusion gummies) and 750mg of magnesium. I also read that apple cider vinegar (ACV) may help. I've been taking ACV with "the mother" for a while now, but in too low a dose. Anyway, long story short, today my feet were pain-free enough that I was able to resume my gym regime. I was there at 5:45am this morning. I decided that if I were able to start going again, I would also go after work at 3:45pm. So, after work I will be there. I need to make up for 2 months worth of slacking. I just need the pain to stay away. I don't TRULY know what made the pain go away slightly today. I hope it is the supplements and that it will eventually go completely away. I still want to run in September 2010. Maybe it was all of the praying my family and I have been doing that made today possible.

New goals/ old goals/ same goals

     Not too long ago, I posted that I was not going to pursue the weight loss or anything else anymore. I should probably expose a little of myself to everyone. I have a habit of "falling apart" and then picking myself up again. The post I wrote on this blog was a good example of that. I have to be at the lowest and wallow in self pity for a little while before I finally get myself together and move on. I can remember back in 2001 when I went back to college to get my bachelor's degree. Things weren't working out well on the very first night of class and I called home to my mother and father crying. I just knew that I wasn't meant to get a degree. I told them that I wasn't going back. My mom just let me have my crying fit. Then I went to bed. She tried to call me back that night and I had already gone to bed (at 7pm). She thought I had done something to myself, but I was just so upset that I needed to sleep (my way of avoiding life). The next morning, after I listened to my mom's message, I called her. Before she said a word, I reassured her that I was going to stay in school no matter what and that I wasn't going to give up. I eventually went on to get a Bachelor's in Business Administration, a Master's in Business Administration, start on a PhD in Organizational Leadership, and almost complete (I will graduate in May 2010) my Master of Science in Accounting. I just have a habit of reacting in a rash way.
   This brings me to today. I had to fall apart about this whole job schedule changing thing. I think the true nature of my displeasure with this job goes beyond and deeper than just the job. True, I do not like my job duties. I am not passionate about what I am doing on a daily basis. I feel empty at work. But, I think my true reason for hating the job is my anger at myself for my failures in life. Had I completed my college education at UVA right out of high school, I likely be financially set by now. Instead, I'm relying on my parents and a miserable part-time job for money. I'm mad with myself and I don't know how to move on from that. Sometimes when I get mad with myself, I will self-deprecate. I also do not like feeling like I have no control. I don't have control over what my job duties will be or my hours or anything related to my job. So, that blog about giving up was where that came from. I was feeling down and thinking that I was not worth anything other than misery. I deserve to be at a miserable job and being fat because I'm a bad or worthless person. I messed up in the past and I deserve to be messed up my entire life and fail at every turn. I need to stop thinking that way, but I don't know how.
     I decided that I don't want to give up on myself yet. I am going to start getting up in the mornings again to go to the gym. I really do want to run next year. I've lost one month due to my self- pity. I need to pick it up if I am going to do this. I am also going to work on the blog some more and get some pictures up so we all can document my progress (yes, there will be progress). I've also decided to join Weight Watchers (WW)again. I have had success with the WW program in the past. I just found out on Monday that my employer offers an on-site WW program. It is offered in 17 week increments at a reduced rate. If I do not miss more than 3 meetings my company will reimbursement me 50% of the 17 week meeting fees. That will come out to less than $6 per meeting. The program may not start until after the new year (depends on them getting enough people to join), so I am going to start working on my nutrition on my own until then. Being the frugal person I am, I think the financial incentive of this deal will make me go each week instead of giving up after 2 or 3 weeks. AND, the meeting meets in the building across from my office during work hours. I would rather be in a WW meeting than at my job any day.
   I just have to dig deep into every part of my being and get my inspiration. I need to just relax, take a deep breath, and just do it. I want to run races. I AM going to run races.

Papercuts...everyday drama

    This morning was not like a usual morning at work. Things were quiet. AND, I was the only person there. It was 8:15am and I decided to get my morning fix of Michael Jackson videos on Youtube before the calm would be disturbed. I was right in the middle of Stranger in Moscow when the front door flung open. Oldie, Cherry, and Smarty were all aggressively chattering when they entered the door. Something was up. I have to say, I really don't care much (really at all) about the issues at AO USA. It's a job. We should be coming to work, doing the job, and going back home. Nothing more. Nothing less. But, these freaks were always keeping some drama going. It was ridiculous. Everyday there was some drama. It was just a matter of figuring out what time of day it was going to be. Morning drama was like a shot of espresso to Cherry and Smarty. Oldie just goes along with whatever they do because she wants to be with the "in crowd" at work. The behavior of adult women can be ironic. I have spent my entire life trying to find out who Sassy is. I don't think I'm any closer to the answer, but at least I can say that I'm not what I used to be. Each day I try to grow. The girls at the office, however, seem to be stuck in some eternal high school state. Cherry is the leader. You know the one girl that had just enough charisma to get her by and allow her to lead the less fortunate. Smarty is hanging onto the popular girl. She is the follower that so desperately wants to be the leader. She would easily stab her friend in the back to get that position. Oldie is the ugly duckling that just wants to fit in. She follows behind Cherry and Smarty. They just ignore her and make her do the things that they do not want to do. Oldie accepts these tasks as an honor because it is all she will get from Cherry and Smarty. I am the outlier. I don't believe in structure. I hate stupid stuff. Like today's drama.


Today's drama wouldn't have started until about 8:30 or so had it not been for technology. You see before the Cherry decided that she, Smarty, and Oldie all needed Blackberries, they were confined to drama via email between the hours of 8:30am and 5pm. But, armed with Blackberries, they can receive work emails every hour of the day. All employees of the company are on a company mailing list and primarily get the same emails. While most of us are sitting at home eating dinner with our families, Cherry, Oldie, and Smarty were anxiously staring at their Blackberries waiting for something to happen. It really is pretty sad. What important emails could come in about pushing paper? They make the slightest fuss over tiny emails. One day last week they wrote each other back and forth for 3 hours about an email they received. The email stated that they could reduce their student loan interest rates by 25% if they went with this particular company. Most of us would see this as spam and simply delete them. But, not those three. They wrote about whether it was legit or not, what the current interest rates were, whether they should delete the emails, or whether they should contact someone about them. I thought this conversation was particularly interesting being that out of the three of them, two had paid off their college loans years ago, one of them never even finished high school, and none of them currently had kids in college. Now, you may wonder how I know what was written amongst them. I know all of this because they then proceeded to discuss it all over again the next day. All of this to say that because of technology the drama that we would see today ACTUALLY started the night before.

When I came to work, I noticed an email from one of the other offices of AO USA. The email stated that Cherry had been tardy in sending one of the weekly reports to another office and to please not do it again. In the email, the sender made a snide remark referring to this "happening all of the time". Had this been sent to only Cherry, there would have only been a slight problem. But, being that it was emailed out to the entire AO USA corporate and regional list, Cherry would surely be upset. I just laughed off the email because I knew that this was in reference to this past week's stack of reports. Our office fax machine had gone on the blink. It took all day, and a new fax machine which got installed at 4:45pm, to finally get our reports out. Other than that one time, no one in the office had ever delayed in faxing or mailing out the reports. Sure enough, when the three of them got into the office this morning, they were discussing "Email Gate", as I like to call it. The email had been sent at 7:52pm last evening. Most likely they had been contacting each other about it since 7:54pm. This also means that the person who sent it was consumed with the job at that time of night too. Losers. Cherry was red faced when she sat down at her desk. Oldie and Smarty were consoling her as if she had lost a loved one. They had been debating the best response to that email. It was now 8:35am and the three of them didn't have the brain power to concoct a response to an email? Again, losers. Smarty pulled a chair up beside Cherry and her computer keyboard and put her hand on Cherry's. Oldie left Cherry's office and creaked over to her desk. As she slowly squatted into her seat, her knees grinded and finally fired off their first morning shot. She let out a sigh. closed her eyes, and tilted her head back after she turned on her computer. She was sleep deprived and had huge bags under her eyes. I smirked as I interrupted her sleep by questioning her if she had not slept well the night before. I knew the answer, but just wanted to enjoy her response. She told me that Cherry had a bad night and she stayed up to support her. I suppressed my laughter by going into a pretend coughing fit. I patted my chest and said "dust". I could just see Oldie trying sneak in a gem of wisdom in on her Blackberry as Smarty rambled on in words that were way too lofty for use on Cherry.

Smarty put her arm around Cherry and told her to be strong. She could create a professional yet strong email. Suddenly, Smarty popped up and grabbed the thesaurus from her desk. She told Cherry that she would write a draft of the email for Cherry to review before sending. This was a very common occurrence. Smarty always felt that she could better represent the office. I snickered to myself because I knew she had probably been dying to do this all night anyway. I had observed that Smarty liked to see Cherry suffer. In the beginning of a "crisis", Cherry could probably take care of herself. But, by the time Smarty stretched out the misery, Cherry would be so mentally weak that Smarty would have to take over. Smarty knew this would always make her seem like the savior. I saw it as ammunition that she could use later to dethrone Cherry from her position. Friendships rarely last.

After only 10 minutes, the "ding" on Cherry's email notifications sounded off. Smarty reemerged into Cherry's office and asked how she liked the draft of the email. It was obvious that Smarty had formulated her response during the night and this whole act was just a formality. Suddenly there was a loud crack across the room in Oldie's direction. At first I thought a bird had met his match with the large window in our office. But, when I swiveled my chair around, I just saw Oldie with her hands firmly and flatly planted on the top of her desk. She was gearing up to walk and her knees were just making the announcement. Like a drunk, she hobbled and staggered across the room and into Cherry's office. She had not been made privy to the email Smarty had written and she wanted to get in on the action. Oldie peeped over Cherry's shoulder and read the email. She gave suggestions that were immediately shot down. Cherry copied Smarty's email into another email and sent it to all that had received the first email. I checked my email and saw the overly inflated email Smarty had written. If nothing else, this job gave me plenty of laughs. Smarty had turned verbosity into a science. The essence of the email was that Cherry was late because of the fax, that she has never been late with the reports until that day, that the guy that sent the email was unprofessional, and that corporate should take action. I just sat with my mouth open at how this juvenile little email jab at Cherry was now becoming an electronic World War. This was ridiculous.

Then there was silence. Oldie, Smarty, and Cherry all waited. By now the emails were popping into our fellow co-workers inboxes. They would be reading it right about now. Some would be laughing as I was. Some would even call to speak to me and we would make fun of them "in code" language. Then there would be the "supporters". These were the people who just had to get involved in everyone else's drama because they didn't have any of their own drama going on in their offices. They were the first to call or email and get into someone else's business. Within 4 minutes the telephone rang. Cherry answered it. She started yelling "I know" over and over. Obviously, someone agreed that the original email sender was a jerk and being mean to Cherry. After all, she is doing the best job she can do. Then she yelled, "Oh my God!! What a jerk!" The original sender had responded BACK to the email. In it he didn't defend his email accusation, but simply mentioned that the email was a private email between him and Cherry. A pow-wow among Oldie, Cherry, and Smarty ensued. I pulled up the original email and saw that he had indeed sent it out to everyone on the email list. Not only had sent the email directly to Cherry's email address, but deliberately carbon copied us all in on it. There was no mistaking that he maliciously sent the email to everyone. Smarty immediately replied to this email saying that it was sent to everyone. I laughed as this email game was starting to get down, dirty, and childish. Ten more calls came in. Oldie and Smarty fielded the calls that were directed at Cherry as she would speak to one person at a time. I had three calls in which co-workers teased me about the situation I was in with these fools.

The emails went back and forth all day like this. At one point I just sat in the bathroom for 6 minutes thinking about how stupid it all was and about the office drama. A good friend of mine once told me that if the same problem is happening to you over and over, perhaps you are the problem. That was so true in the case of this office.

Papercuts...Familiar things

    I started to feel slightly buzzed when I returned from the mail room. The smell in the office smacked me in the face when I opened the door. It was the smell of Oldie. She has a unique and intoxicating scent about her. I could picture her getting ready for work each morning. She must place a smidge of Aspercream on her back, a smear of Icy Hot on her ankles, and a swipe of Ben Gay on each knee. The scent had become familiar to me. I sat down at my desk and looked over at Oldie. She was turned away from her computer monitor and staring out of the window behind her desk. I knew what ritual was about to happen. She slowly and methodically reached over to her desk and popped the top on her little can of Joint Juice. She slowly reached for a small bourbon glass filled with ice and carefully poured the Joint Juice over the ice. She looked like she was deliberately acting in a commercial with slow motion. The glucosomine concoction bubbled and fizzed over the ice. Oldie threw the small can into the trash can and swiveled back around to look out of the window. During this ritual she was oblivious to my gaping at her. A glazed look came over her eyes and I could tell that she was somewhere else in her mind. She took tiny sips of the drink and savored each second in her state. I wonder what she thought about each day as she sipped the unpalatable drink. In my own glassy- eyed daydream, I would imagine HER dreams of being a firm, tanned, bikini clad, 23 year old sitting by a pool in some warm, exotic location. Her scent would be of coconut suntan lotion, pineapples, and maraschino cherries. She would have long, wavy, shiny, rich chestnut hair that cascaded over her majestically perfect breasts. Periodically she would flip her hair over her shoulder and let it hang down her back as she tanned. She would be unapproachable to most. Perhaps some brave, dashing, muscular, young, tanned man would offer to buy her a drink from the poolside bar. She would lower her sunglasses down her nose, squint her eyes, take him up on his offer, lift her sunglasses back to cover her eyes, and wait for him to return. He would return with a pale orange fruity drink filled with fruit and proceed to chat her up. She would drink the drink seductively, but he surely would not get her telephone number. She would have that power. She is the queen of any pool.
     Around 1:15 each day, I would be ripped from my staring at Oldie and she from her hunk by the pool by Cherry's chatter as she returned from lunch with Smarty. Cherry talks A LOT. One morning I heard her talking to people all the way from a block away until she got into the office, through the entire day, and out the door at the end of the day. It's annoying, yet amazing. By the end of each day, she is hoarse from talking so much. After a telephone call, she will tell Smarty what was said...word for word. After she receives an email, she will read the email to Smarty, a discussion will ensue, and a response will be deliberated...all vocally. In telling Smarty everything, Oldie and I are forced to hear it all too. Cherry even talks to herself. By 3 o'clock each day, I am in sensory overload. Just when it looks like we will get a few minutes of sweet silence, someone calls or emails Cherry and she starts at it again. I often go to the bathroom just to hear nothing. It's just too much.
   Cherry sat down at her desk and started to talk out loud about what WE need to accomplish for the remainder of the day. You see, there have to be forms and reports generated to tell us if we are doing the right things with the forms and paper we push. These forms and reports are generated on a weekly schedule. The MSR (Money Spent Report) tells how much money was spent for the total week. The ROP (Report On Prices) tells how much the supplies purchased can be bought for. The FRL (Forms Received Late) tells what forms were received late. The FROT (Forms Received On Time) tells what forms were received on time. The SWN (Supplies We Need) tells the supplies needed. The PEQ (Paper Extraction Query) tells what forms and reports should be printed each week. The APM (All Paper Managed) tells what forms and reports were generated throughout the week. The MOR (Mismanagement of Resources) tells what resources were not used to their fullest potential. Lastly, the SOR (Statement of Results) ties it all together in some way. We print off all of these reports and forms. Cherry pretends to study them all the while talking. We make photocopies of them all, file a copy of each, mail out a copy of each to corporate headquarters, and shred the ones that were generated from last weeks batch of the same forms. Week after week, year after year.

Decisions

   In my last blog I was discussing my frustrations over my lack of ability to "life multi-task". This morning I made a decision. I cannot focus on more than one thing at a time and do anything well. In order for me to get to work, on time, every day, I have to let everything else go. This week I will be working 46 hours. Next week I will be working 43 hours. The week after that I will be working 52 hours. I know my limits. I will not be able to work a full work week, bowl, go to the gym, do housework, and go to tax class. Therefore, I'm just going to give up everything but the working. Unfortunately, at this time, I HAVE to work. I haven't been able to get another job with the hours I desire. The choice is to either screw up at this job and do extra curricular activities OR drop everything else and do the job correctly. I'm just going to go to work on time, cook dinners each night, and go to bed to get to work the next morning. I don't see this changing anytime soon. So, that's my life.

Bad habits...a good example

    In the introduction to my weight gain/loss journey I explained that I have a hard time "life multi-tasking".  I have a good real-time example of that. In July 2007 I started the job that I am currently at. I started going back to school in September 2006 to earn my master's in accounting. From September 2006 until July 2007 I was unemployed and strictly going to school. I enjoyed that time period. My parents agreed to help me with my bills as along as I was going to school. I soon realized that the amount they were able to help me with wasn't enough to cover all of my bills. I started looking for a job to supplement my "income". In July 2007, I found the perfect job for that. I was working about 24 hours per week. The schedule was odd (Mondays off, alternating half days on Tuesday afternoons and alternating half days on Saturday mornings), but I learned to live with it and enjoyed having the time off all day on Mondays and Tuesdays (except for the alternating half days). I had enough money to pay the bills and have some fun and the time to do it. I took care of housework, run errands, and went to any doctors appointments on Mondays. I went to water aerobics on Tuesday mornings. I was seeing significant improvements in my flexibility and my arthritis. I was also getting a lot of rest on Mondays and Tuesdays. I have sleep apnea and am unable to use my CPAP machine. So, for now, getting a lot of sleep on Mondays and Tuesdays is the only way I can make it through a week. I noticed (as well as other people) that I looked younger and happier. I was getting rest and life was good. On Monday nights I have my bowling league. On Tuesday and Thursday nights I have tax class. I was getting out, getting active, and meeting new people. I have taken some time out of school to rest, but would be resuming classes in late October and finishing up in May 2010 as scheduled. AND, let's not forget that I was going to the gym 3 days per week at 5:30AM.
      This schedule went on like this until last week. Then my world came crashing down. My boss had hired a good friend of hers to work in the office and that person was now a new mother and unable to commit to the office. My boss decided that she would increase MY hours at work to make up for her friend being gone.  I would be in the office Monday thru Friday from 8:30-3:30. She also said that eventually it would be a 40 hour position. I DID NOT want my schedule to change and I did not want to work more than 24 hours per week at this time. Her responce to that, basically, was that this was the way it would be and I could quit if I didn't like it because my old job was gone. No more water aerobics. No more running errands. I had decided to bowl on Mondays because I would have all day to run errands, prepare for our dinner, and then get there at night. Now I have committed to a team and I couldn't drop them. I would have to rush home after work, grab dinner, and then rush across town to bowling. I would now have to rush around on Tuesdays and Thursdays to get ready for tax class. I would have to fit in errands whenever I could.
    I know some of you are reading this and thinking that I'm a whiney little spoiled brat. Yes, that is true in some cases. BUT, I have lived this type of life before. When I worked at the University of Virginia, I worked a 40- plus hour work week. I would end up working 70 hours per week sometimes. I worked at that job from 1998-2006. It CONSUMED my life. I couldn't even take a vacation day without there being some issue that I would have to attend to. I was constantly attacted to my email. I had to change my home phone number because my co-workers were calling me at 1am in the morning with problems. It was terrible and stressful. I was upset all of the time. I looked like I was 20 years older than I was. I started having problems with IBS and acid reflux. I was living off of fast food. I was tired and sleepy all of the time. I would cry in the bathroom at work and continue to cry at home. I complained all of the time too. When I my husband and I sat down to dinner each night (usually fast food that I picked up) I started the complaining which was stressing him out. I was not fun to be around and I didn't like who I had become. I put a quick stop to that. I left that job and started back to school.
   The time period when I was unemployed was great. I had developed a little daily routine. I was stress free and happy. I was well rested and my husband and I were eating well. I had time to research recipes and find the best way to prepare them as well as the time to prepare them. I was getting housework done and losing some weight.
    But, alas, the bad habits have started again. The first thing that has happened is that my complaining has started again. I did not like my job at 24 hours. I HATE it at 35. I do not really like the way our organization (if you can call 4 people an organization) is run and I dislike everyone there. I've been bringing my problems home to my husband. I have only made it to the gym one time this week because I have to go to bed late in order to get everything done after work each day OR because I'm just too mentally tired to get up OR because I'm so afraid that I will oversleep and not get to work on time that I'm not sleeping well at night. I have also ditched my bowling team twice and my tax class 2 times. I have not beeing eating breakfast or lunches. I have made convenient (and not so healthy) dinners each workday.
    Yesterday was just the fifth day of my new schedule. Disaster is ensuing already.

The Biggest Loser...mixed thoughts

    Last night I watched the Biggest Loser as I always do. I am starting to have mixed feelings about the show. I have been watching this show since its first season. I can remember the morning radio shows talking about the show the morning after the first show of the first season. They were all making fun of seeing the nearly naked fat people. This was a new concept. Most of us fat folks try to hide our fat. But, those first brave contestants really paved the way us all becoming a little less shocked at seeing rolls of fat. I remember thinking during that first show that this show wouldn't make it to a second season. I was so wrong!! I thought this because I thought no one was interested in seeing a bunch of fat people trying to lose weight. What I DID NOT take into account was the number of fat people in this country who were also watching the show. Until the Biggest Loser came along, I thought I was the only morbidly obese person in this country. I often felt that way. When I left my home, I felt that I was some freakish monster because everyone else is so much thinner than me. I have changed my thinking slightly about this because of the Biggest Loser. I also didn't take into account that "fat" means many different weights from slightly overweight up to the super morbidly obese. This means that there are a lot of overweight people in this country according to weight standards.
     One thing that I've realized from watching the Biggest Loser is that we ALL have SOMETHING that we want to change about ourselves or improve. That is a good thing. That is life. We should never accept just staying the same. We should all be growing and learning and changing. Humans are dynamic. I want to change my weight, my job, my happiness level. We should all strive to change ourselves and the world around us at all times. This could mean something as simple as learning about a new culture or suddenly realizing that you like a new food. When I thought I was the only person with a "problem", I was wrong. Watching the Biggest Loser provides me the opportunity to see people who have the same challenge that I do and not feel so alone in this battle. These people can't ride amusement park rides, fit into booths at restaurants, or buy clothes in a "normal" store, just like me. That doesn't make it "OK", but it makes me feel less lonely. I always shout out a few "amens" during the show because I understand their challenges as a fat person.
   I say that I have mixed thoughts about this show for many reasons. I have to start out by saying that I would LOVE to be on the show. I have sent in 4 casting videos and gone to 5 open casting calls. I would love the opportunity to leave my normal life behind for a while and focus solely on my weight loss issues. It becomes difficult when you have life issues to take care of...laundry, cooking meals, fitting in exercise, taking care of loved ones, a job, dealing with debt, taking classes, grocery shopping and errands. The things that make life "life" really take me off of my course. I don't multitask in life very well. I can focus really well on one aspect and the others fall behind. If I have a bad day at work, I'll go on an eating binge. Or, if I am tired after a long day, I'll get fast food instead of cooking a healthy meal at home. At the Biggest Loser ranch, my focus would be on me. I could use the time to just focus on the weight loss. I could workout, learn about my eating habits, and take care of my mental health. I need the chance to just stop, shut down, and reset my mind and body mechanisms. AND, I really need that money. The $250,000 prize money would get me out of debt and clear my mind for one moment in time. Money problems are a HUGE part of my life. I KNOW I would win that show and therefore win the money and get the opportunities after the show. I would love to give speeches and motivate people.
    The mixed feelings start coming in from the entire concept of TV producing. Having been to so many casting calls, talked to so many hopefuls, and done a great deal of research, I know how this TV thing works. We don't see everything on TV that really happens. What we see has been manipulated to make good TV and the time frames are skewed. For instance, few know that contestants have a high calorie day and can let go of their eating for a day. When I was regularly on the Weight Watchers program, I would have an "anything goes" day on Saturdays. When I started doing that, the weight came off easier. Biggest Loser viewers do not get to see what the contestants choose to eat on those days and have not been given a good explanation as to why. Instead of trying to push gum, yogurt, protein powder, scales, subs, and water bottles to us, tell us some useful information. I would also like to know more about the safety behind losing so much weight in a short period of time. I know that 1-2 pounds is the recommended amount of safe weight loss. Why is it safe for these contestants to lose so much weight at one time? Is it OK for me to be in the gym for a total of 6 hours per day as well as long as my doctor says I'm healthy? These are the things that I would like for them to divulge to the audience. You know...how it all works. I think people need that because some people don't know how the Biggest Loser process works and get disappointed from their normal weight loss in real life. BUT, I do understand that maybe they can't go into all of that in 2 hours. Perhaps I'm the only one interested in that stuff. I am also conflicted by the way contestants are treated on the show. I think most people need a tough trainer with compassion. There is a way to talk to people. You don't have to beat someone to within an inch of their lives as Jillian has said to get results. Firm and compassion. There is a better way. BUT, when one signs up for the show, they know what they are getting into. I just wish exercise and meeting those goals could be presented in a more humane way. I have been working out since July 1, 2009 and enjoy it so. It is not torture, but a way to release stress and get me going for the day. I know that I should not be working out until I'm injured, throwing up, or passing out. Those are signs that something is wrong. BUT, if you want to go on that show, you want to get treated that way. I would love the chance to go on that show no matter how I got treated for the advantages of the opportunity. I also don't like the way they have the contestants wear those sports bras when they are at their heaviest. I know that the producers want the contestants to look terrible. It just seems so degrading. It says that the fat body is to be mocked and disrespected and the thin body should be adored and respected. BUT, if I got on that show, I would prance right up to that big scale (which is a fake) and show my rolls for all to see.
  So, you see how I'm conflicted about the show? It really doesn't matter, I suppose. I do see those contestants working out and it inspires me to do something. I used to watch and eat. Watching them workout made me really hungry. Now, I sometimes get on my excercise bike and ride during the show. I won't be buying any Extra gum or food scales because of this show...not yet.

"The" weight gain/loss journey...part 4

    In 1991 I started working at this crappy job driving a bus. It was the best/worse decision I've ever made. I would meet my current husband at this job, but the job ruined my back. I had an injury at the job that compacted my spine and has caused permanent damage to my back.  Because of this injury, I am not able to walk for very long before the pain causes my legs to go numb. It also just hurts to stand for long or sit for long as well.  I am generally in pain most of the time. Only recently have I been able to get exercise and only because I'm just having to fight through the pain. Right after the accident, I started to put on weight from inactivity.
     So, this kind of brings me up to today in my journey. I'll probably think of past things as the time goes on, but for now, this is where I am at. As I have said, I have tried MANY different diets. I think it was fate that I would try all of those diets. I've learned different things and have retained some of those habits. For example, I OFTEN break out a Weight Watchers (WW) recipe and fix it at home. This past week alone, I made two of my favorite WW recipes. I still read WW magazine and "sort of" calculate WW points in my head when making food decisions. I also found the Paul McKenna weight loss methods to be useful. I have his book, his DVDs, AND even watched his show on TV. In recent years I have even learned to love the taste of dill pickles, unsweetened tea, and mustard.
    The biggest change I've made in my life has occurred recently. As of July 1, 2009 I started going to the gym 3 times per week, for 30 minutes each time. I have faltered 2 weeks. I only went once on those 2 weeks because I have bone spurs in both of my heels and just couldn't stand the pain. It's been slow going because I cannot resist food. Like today. I got up at 5am, was dressed for the gym by 5:25, and in the parking lot of the gym by 5:31. I sat there and sat there. Finally, I gave up and went to McDonalds. I love their breakfast. I ate WAY too much and cried while I did it because of the guilt. When I went to my physical in September, I had only lost 2 pounds in 2 months because of this behavior. I also stopped drinking sodas on February 25. I decided to observe Lent this year and I gave up soda. I had once drank at least four 12 ounce cans of soda per day. I now mostly drink water, tea (mostly unsweetened), very little Crystal Light (I love the lemonade and fruit punch), and the occasional beer or hard cider.  I thought I would drop all of this weight, but that did not happen because of my eating habits. I crave all of the wrong foods. That is going to be the next big step for me...eating right.
  Now that I have provided a substantial background for everyone, I hope to now do daily updates of what I've eaten, my exercise, and just anything related to my weight. Like I've said, maybe I can learn something from other people and perhaps they can learn something from me. Maybe we can all lose weight together. Maybe others will find strength to solve other problems if they do not have a weight problem. Right now, I am not comfortable enough to write what I weight. I will soon. BUT, I will say that I weight more than most contestants on the Biggest Loser. Don't worry. I will tell you all soon what I weigh. I've set the goal of losing enough weight to run the Charlottesville women's 4 miler Labor Day weekend of 2010. I would also like to run the Virginia Ten Miler at home in Lynchburg on September 25, 2010. My podiatrist is working with me to meet that goal and solve this bone spurs problem. He told me yesterday that I would meet my goal if I keep going to the gym and coming to him. I am also going to be going to my 20 year high school reunion in 2010 as well. I want to feel good about myself and enjoy the reunion while not being over-conscious about my looks. My friends deserve to have my attention on them and not on me.

"The" weight gain/loss journey...part 3

I started REALLY being interested in boys when I was in high school. I had crushes on boys before that time, but nothing that made me think about a boy ALL of the time. It hit me in ninth grade. I fell in love HARD!! But...he wasn't in love with me. He was a smart, African American kid just like me. He had been a nerdy type when we were in middle school together. I really didn't like him back then. He was mean to me and would do little spiteful things. Then, I found myself thinking about him during the summer before my ninth grade year. Looking back, I was really funny. I would see him outside of school and do the old "ignore him" thing like I was not interested. I would often secretly ride by his house in the hope of seeing him. When we got back to school for our ninth grade year, he was not so awkward. He was actually very cute. I started to desire seeing him all of the time. If we had a class together, I could not concentrate. I was always on the lookout for him in the hallways, out in public, anywhere. In my head, I just knew that he was one of those boys that liked a girl for her mind and wouldn't care about my looks. He was smart and he deserved a smart girlfriend. That was a naive girl's thinking. What I didn't realize at the time was the nature of teenaged boys (and adult men too). They want to fit in and be popular. Even if he had feelings for me, which he didn't, he could not have expressed them. He needed to be popular just like I wanted to be popular and every other teen in America did. Having a fat, smart girlfriend that didn't put-out wasn't going to do that for him. He was just trying to survive like I was. But, at the time, I was hurting. I know that he knew my feelings. The biggest heartbreak was when he started dating. I could only imagine what he did with those girls. The thought that some unworthy girl would be his "first" killed my spirit. There were two moments that sealed my emotional fate with him. I asked him to be my date for my debutant ball and he turned me down. He also lovingly showed up at our senior picture session with his girlfriend (who he had the habit of dressing like). Even though my high school years were the best time of my life, my self esteem was at an extreme low.
The next time I fell in love was quite different from my high school one-sided love. In 1990 I was accepted as a student into the University of Virginia (UVA). The summer before my first year, I was in a program known as the "Summer Prep" program. This was a program designed for "at risk" students. "At risk" meant that we were African Americans, athletes, first generation college students, or some combination of those attributes. My parents did not go to college until I went off to college and I am African American. College life and being away from home were totally new experiences for me. I was homesick that entire summer. This time period was one of the ones in which I lost a significant amount of weight. UVA is a sprawled out campus and walking is the most efficient mode of getting around. That summer, I walked everywhere, ate very little, sweated, cried, and missed my parents. There was one good thing about the program, however. I made friends. This is the hardest part for any college freshman and I had gotten that over with that summer. This is also where I met my second "love". He was a cute, cocky, smart, wealthy boy that knew about golf. At that time, I didn't know any African Americans that knew about golf. He was a smooth talker who often visited the pretty girls that were living in my suite. For the entire summer I disliked him for the qualities that I listed, but I soon saw another side of him. On the very last night of our summer program, he and I were two of the only few students who had not gone home yet. I was standing outside one night when he approached me and started carrying on a conversation. I knew he must have been bored for talking to me at all. The longer he talked the more charming he became. By the end of that night, I saw him as a caring, kind, intelligent man with a big heart. That night would change the entire course of my life.

When we returned back to UVA for the fall semester, I was physically stronger than I was when I got there for Summer Prep. I was happy and full of anticipation for the future. I was ready to study hard, get my degree, graduate, get a great job, and retire by the age of 40. One week into the semester, I had slept through 2 classes, had my first alcoholic beverage, and attended my first fraternity party. During that semester I continued to lose weight. I walked everywhere and ate very little. I was more interested in my "love". He SEEMED to be interested in me too. Again, I didn't understand the nature of some men. He was only interested in me when I was giving him something or giving him myself. I didn't see it at the time. The one good side effect of this relationship was that I continued losing weight. I was at my lowest weight during that time. I have never been a "thin" person. But, I was smaller. However, I was not small enough for him. I soon realized that I was his "secret" friend. I was the person who he hid from others. I wasn't girlfriend material because I was still fat. This relationship went on for 4 years. I spent so much time thinking about and pursuing him that I flunked out of college. That's my fault and I'm not blaming him. I just made REALLY bad decisions and I am still paying for them. Had I gotten my degree, I might have had a successful career and not had the string of unsatisfying jobs that I have had. My fault.
     So, why do these two men have so much to do with my weight loss journey? I really don't know. Maybe not at all. But, if I still get emotional about both of them, that tells me something. Maybe it is about the loss of innocence. Maybe it is regret. Maybe it is about wanting to be loved in with this fat body. Maybe it is realizing that I will never be worthy to others because of this body. I don't know. I'm hoping the blog and input from others will help me see if there is a connection.

Max Factor 2000 calorie extreme lash plumper

My new favorite cosmetic is the Max Factor 2000 Calorie Extreme Lash Plumper. I recently had an unfavorable change in my hours at work. I've been in a foul mood every day since. BUT, I have found some pleasure in starting my day in a new way. I have to get to work about 30 minutes early so I can get a parking spot. I sit in my car, turn up the radio (I'm not allowed to listen to music at work any longer), and apply my new Max Factor mascara. I read online somewhere that it works best if you "blink" your lashes over the wand instead of stroking or swiping the wand over your lashes. I usually put on a coat and then let it dry before putting on another coat. I have found that 3 coats does the trick for me. I LOVE the way my lashes look. I look like I'm wearing false lashes (which I want to try doing some day).  During the day, I find myself feeling "good" because I know my eyelashes look hot. I will have to say that I have not worn mascara in a LONG time. I tend to wipe my eyes a lot during the day and end up looking like a raccoon. But, I'm being really conscious of it now and have less of a problem with that. I got my Max Factor at Kmart for $9.99. It is the non-waterproof version. I tried to get the waterproof version at Ulta this past week, but they were out. It was $9.99 there as well. The cashier at the Ulta said that they could not keep it on the shelves since it was in O Magazine. This is where I read about it as well. In the article it states that Max Factor will not be sold in the states after January, so I am going to have to stock up if I decide that this mascara is worth it.

"The" weight gain/loss journey...part 2

   My parents encouraged me to participate in activities just like any other kid when I was growing up.  They watched as I tried out for activities only to be turned down most times. In my heart, I was always an athlete. I remember trying out for the girls basketball team in middle school. I wanted so badly to do well. I seemed to forget that I was not only fat, but really short too. I even had the nerve to try out for cheerleading. Although Mrs. Callahan was a ruthless typing teacher, she was extremely kind cheerleading coach and let me down easy after the tryouts. I have always had the spirit of a thin person. I often feel invincible until I try to move and realize that my body can't do what my brain wants to.
     I was kind of active when I was a kid. I was about as active as a kid could be being confined to a school desk for the majority of the day. I loved school, but I hated gym class. My body was awkward. It also didn't help that I was extremely clumsy. I have always suffered from ear infections all of my life and have terrible balance issues. Even now, I fall and hurt myself because I feel like the world is zooming around too fast. But, in gym class, I was just not comfortable moving my body in front of people. Most times I would be hurt, have a note from my mom or doctor, and have to sit out of gym class anyway. Once while attending Linkhorne Middle School, we were playing basketball in gym class. A pencil rolled out onto the basketball court and I slipped up on it. Out of that entire basketball court, my foot found that one little pencil. When I went to the doctor that evening (I ended up having a sprained elbow and had to wear a sling) he asked me if my parents were abusing me. I was in his office so much that he couldn't believe that I was actually hurt so much by accident. I laughed as I explained that I was just a clutz.
     Most days after school I played tennis, played basketball, rode my bike, and went for walks. I loved being inside though. I loved studying, reading, and watching TV and movies. My favorite thing to do was dance. Both of my parents worked and I would be home alone for at least 2 hours before my parents would show up. I would call my mom to let her know that I had gotten home safely and immediately raid the refrigerator. I would then watch TV until Dance Party USA came on the USA channel. I LOVED that show. I would dance and dance. I used to dream about being on that show. I would get to hang out with Princessa or Kelly Ripa and be on TV for the world (it was the world to me) to see. Dancing was a big part of my life. When I was in elementary school, I took ballet and tap lessons for years. Mrs. Carol Riggs told my mom that I had wonderfully expressive hands and that I was amazingly graceful. But, there came the time when I had to stop dancing lessons because my weight would not allow me to progress and go en pointe. My weight was too much for my toes. I was crushed. I had longed to wear the long tutu and get a beautiful pair of silky pink pointe shoes. I gave up on tap dancing too. But, I never gave up on dancing totally. I would dance all of the time when I was at home and still do. I had this habit of trying on new clothes and seeing if they passed "the dance test". I suppose I thought every outfit should be ready to bust a dance move at any moment. I would also listen to John Garabedian's Open House Party on K92 every Saturday and Sunday night. I would dance from 7pm until midnight in the hallway outside of my bedroom. My mom wanted to be a professional dancer when she was younger. I must have gotten the dance fever from her. In my house I could move anyway I wanted to and not have to think about my body.
    Looking back I can totally see how my weight issues began. I am NOT going to ever blame anyone else for my weight gain. I am responsible for my weight issues. Even as a child, I was a smart kid and knew what I was doing. My parents only did what they knew to do. They are NOT responsible for what I've become. I'm an only child (I had a brother that died as an infant 2 years before I was born) and totally spoiled. I have always been a manipulator, especially when it comes to food. That is what makes me think that my issues stem from an addiction to food. For the first 3 or 4 years of my life, I was very sick. I had bad tonsils and they prevented me from keeping much food down. I was always throwing up when I was younger. But, when I was 5 years old, my tonsils were removed and I could freely eat. I was, and still am, uncontrollable around food. I was in nursery school when I discovered that food comforted me. I would have breakfast at home each morning and then have the free breakfast when I got to nursery school. After nursery school, I would be dropped off at my Grandma's house. She would give me a snack, my uncle would give me one, and my Daddy would too. Then, I would go home and have dinner. I have always loved Good Humor strawberry shortcake bars. At my Grandmother's house I was also not allowed to go outside and play because she was afraid that someone would kidnap me. I would sit and watch TV for hours until my parents got off from work and would take me home. Food gave me something to do that I loved.
   Being home alone after school was scary and I was bored. Food comforted me in that situation too. After I blazed through the snacks after school, I was often left bored and ready to eat some more. But, there would be nothing to eat. So, I fixed that. I learned to cook. I was always mature for my age and could be trusted with dangerous things like a stove. I would whip up cakes, pies, turkey divan, chicken a la orange, and anything "instant". My parents appreciated it after a hard day at work. I was just thinking about how the food would be prepared already and we could go on and eat. Elementary school was about the time I also started developing a love of sodas.
     As I got older, my relationship with food deteriorated even further. In high school I gave up on losing weight. Only twice in my life, up until that point, had I been able to lose significant amounts of weight. Once was on the old all-you-can eat pickle/mustard/tea diet. My pediatrician put me on that diet the summer before 5th grade. When I went back to school to register that fall, no one recognized me. That summer was torture. I do remember being allowed to drink "milkshakes" made from skim milk, cherries, and bananas. I learned to enjoy the milkshakes because everything else was so terrible. The second time I lost weight was due to being homesick. I had gone off to the University of Virginia for their Summer Enrichment Program (a program for smarty kids) the summer before 7th grade (I think). The 1 hour and 30 minute distance from Lynchburg seemed like thousands of miles away. I was homesick and didn't eat most of the time I was there. We were also walking everywhere. I was hot, hungry, and miserable the entire time. I recently asked my mom how long the program was because it seemed like I was there for months of torture. It was only for 2 weeks! I lost so much weight in that 2 weeks that my parents didn't recognize me when they came to pick me up.
   Again, I gave up by high school. I just figure that I was made this way and there was no use in trying to change it. Then came something I was not used to...love. Ok, puppy love. I had my first crush when I was in middle school. He was a family friend and I had just seen him as an annoying boy that I knew. All of a sudden he wasn't so annoying anymore. I would only see him when our families infrequently visited each other and soon my heart was filled by someone else. High school was when I started to really "find" myself. I will say that my high school years were the best years of my life. It's sad to think that 4 years out of my life from 20 years ago would be the best time period in my life (thus far). AND, that compared to most, it wasn't that great of a time. I was starting to feel more comfortable with who I was. I had figured out what I was good at and focused on those things. I was fairly good at academics. I studied hard because I knew that I had to get into college. I joined organizations with others that made me comfortable. No one ever "made fun" of my weight and I felt like a typical high school student. Yes, I would have loved to have been an athlete or a cheerleader. But, I found happiness in other things and all was good. The only time my weight seemed to really bother me was when it came to boys.

"The" weight gain/loss journey...the beginnings

  I started this blog in the hopes that I would be able to find out more about myself as well as other people. I love learning from other people. I want to learn what works for other people and how I can help myself. In saying that, I want to be honest and open about myself. It may take many posts before I will get all of my background out to you, but I will write each day and try.
     The biggest lesson I have to learn about relates to my weight. I have been overweight since I was about 5 years old. Wait a minute. I should say that I have been FAT since I was 5 years old. There I said it. Fat. Fat. Fat. Not overweight. Not chubby. Not fluffy, pudgy, plump, or zaftique. Fat. OK. I've said it. I'm trying to be more honest with myself. This is the first step. I'm saying that I'm fat. Moving on.
    I have tried many many many diets.  I've learned something from each one of them and I've even lost some weight on them. But, the weight never stayed off. I was on a diet when I was 8 years old once. On that diet I could have all of the mustard, unsweetened tea, and dill pickles that I wanted. Trouble was...I didn't want any of that crap. Back in those days, the goal of most diets was just to lose weight. It didn't matter whether it tasted good or whether one could maintain that lifestyle. When I was in elementary school, my mother went on the Nutrisystem program. Back then, all of the food items were packed in nondescript cans with white labels and black writing. You even had to go to their "store" and pick up your "groceries" for the week. When Mama would plop the food on a plate it looked and smelled (so she says) like dog food. But, having had the pleasure of mainly eating my mustard, dill pickles, and unsweetened tea, I devoured her "dog food" and wanted seconds. She hated the stuff so why let it go to waste? She lost weight because she wasn't eating and I gained because I was eating.
      I can remember when I was about 5 years old having one pediatrician humiliate me and make me feel bad about being fat. I had been a pretty average sized kid until I had my tonsils removed when I was 5. Suddenly, I went from not being able to eat to being able to eat everything in sight. At first, my family thought I would grow out of it. They even thought it was kind of cute. I was the cute pudgy kid. As I got older, however, they realized that I was fat and that this wasn't normal.  They tried not to alarm me to the seriousness of my situation and tried to make me feel as normal as possible.

Another day at the office

  I could hear the soft chatter of two of my co-workers as they talked from the back of the office about what they saw on TV last night. The Lifetime channel was a favorite for them. In between the chatter there were long and loud sips from their coffee cups. I managed to sit at my desk and Facebook an old friend for 10 minutes before anyone noticed that I was in the office. Oldie and Smarty appeared from the back with their coffee cups plastered to their wrinkled lips. They seemed surprised when they saw me at my desk. I could not hear everything that they were previously talking about, but chances were some portion of it was about me and my "attitude".  Smarty asked how my night was, opened the door and left all in one motion. She didn't stick around to get my response. I hadn't planned on giving her one anyway.  Oldie sat down at her desk, creaking all the way down into her seat. Smarty came back in the office from her smoke- break and rushed to her desk as if checking her Facebook account was an urgent matter. There was complete silence except for the clicking of our computer keys.
   And then, in comes Cherry. She's only 30 minutes late today. When her hand touches the door her mouth instantly starts to produce words. She waves her hand in a general motion of "hello" to everyone and starts talking about how her youngest son just couldn't stand to leave her today when she dropped him off at school, how she was tired from baking from-scratch cupcakes last night for her other son's class, how her husband and her just had to celebrate his getting a part in the newest play at the local theater. All of this was said as she breezed through the office, past our desks, and into her office. Smarty immediately ran into Cherry's office to help her put her purse up and get her out of her coat. Oldie had a huge, fake grin on her face. I just sat there staring at all of them as the reality hit me that I was in this situation.
   Smarty brought a fresh mug of coffee into Cherry's office and sat it on her desk. She warned Cherry that it was fresh brewed and for her to let it cool down before she drank it. I couldn't believe Smarty felt she had to tell an adult woman not to drink scolding hot coffee. Smarty told Cherry that she had prepared cassoulet and coq au vin for dinner. I had noticed that she always pronounced her cooking endeavors with an accent that matched the country of origin. I almost peed myself from laughter once when she told of the night she made Swedish cuisine and pronounced fiskbuller and isterband like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets. Like my husband always says, "you can buy an education, but you can't buy class". Cherry and Smarty seemed completely engrossed in each other. I noticed that they looked each other in the eyes when the talked to each other. I just can't do that. I can't look people in the eyes. It makes me want to laugh. Or, I'm always looking for boogers peeking out of their noses or hair growing in weird places. I was ripped away from my thoughts when Oldie stood up from her chair and her right knee got fired up for the morning. She shook her legs like an athlete preparing for a high jump and then pranced into Cherry's office. I watched the three of them. I saw something at that moment that caught my attention. I noticed that Cherry and Smarty were wearing the same pendant on their necklaces. This friendship is out of control. Oldie was soon sitting in a chair in Cherry's office all to herself with no one paying attention to her. She was in deep thought. What was on her mind?
   

The start of a tale...Papercuts

  I walked up to the office door and aggressively grabbed the cold handle.  The thud of resistance was a surprise to me being that I knew my co- workers were already there. Our office doesn't open until 8:30am, but those happy idiots were always there by 8:00am. I also knew that they were probably all huddled in the far back of the office drinking coffee and telling tales of their uneventful evenings. I grumbled as I viced my notebook under my chin, tucked my water bottle into the bend of my arm, and unzipped my purse. That keycard has to be in there somewhere. I swiped the card and the door to Hell...I mean, work opened.  As I came into the office, all three of my co-workers appeared, coffee cups in hand. I rolled my eyes and sat down at my desk ready to start the long painful day here at Any Office USA.
    Maybe I should introduce myself. My name is Sassy. Sassy McGhee. I've been working at Any Office USA (or AO USA, as we call it) for about 2 years now. It has been the longest, most torturous 2 years in my working life. We don't do exciting work here. Actually, we do pretty useless work here. But, don't most offices? We are a paper pushing company. No! Literally we push papers/ forms all day.  We get forms in the mail. We separate and sort the forms. We photocopy the forms. We staple the forms. We file the forms. We unfile the forms. We shred the forms. What forms are they? Who knows. I don't think any of us have even looked at the forms. We're too busy shuffling the forms on our desks so we look like we are busy. But, the forms are not what make the office remotely interesting. It is my co-workers.
  When I first interviewed at AO USA, I was so excited.  The job description seemed right up my alley.  I would be working for an "official" business with high security information. I would need to be trusted to not divulge confidential information. I would build a repoire with customers and provide a service that they desperately needed. Well...I don't know where that job went to, but I sure don't do it. I push papers all day.  I have to stretch 1 hour's worth of work out to 8 hours. It can be a challenge sometimes. There are but so many bathroom breaks one can take in a workday. Maybe I just haven't mastered the art of wasting time. My co-workers sure have.
      Directly across the room from me sits my co-worker Oldie Gilly. Oldie is 61 years old and just going through the motions until she can retire. Now, she is one to go to the bathroom A LOT during the day. I can only imagine her standing in there staring at the "no smoking" sign or perhaps doing toe touches while sitting on the toilet. She pees more than a baby. It pisses me off because she conveniently has to pee whenever the phone rings or there is some problem with the paper. It is funny to watch her get up from her desk to make the 20 second walk to the bathroom.  She has to gear herself up and get her body prepared for every movement. When she finally does stand up, body parts start crackling like it's the 4th of July. One day her knee popped so loudly that I hit the deck for fear of being hit by a bullet from whatever attack we were under. She also has this weird shaped figure. She's thin everywhere except her stomach. She looks like a mother kangaroo carrying around her joey.  This state is accentuated by her khaki skirts which she pulls up to her bust line. There's just boobs and gut, no torso really. Her round glasses always sit perched on the tip of her nose threatening to flee at any moment.  Oldie isn't as much annoying as she is just plain old boring.
   Our boss, Cherry Odom, is a real work of art. Cherry is still living in her heydays of the 80s. I can only imagine what she was like as a young woman in the 80s. At 43 years old, she still talks like a Valley Girl. When "Oh, my God!" comes out of her mouth, I feel like I'm being gagged with a spoon until I barf.  Her hairdo is straight out of a John Parr video. It's a mullet with a hybrid of grey, blond, and brown. Rumor has it that she got pregnant when she was 16 years old and gave the kid up for adoption. She was adopted herself. I think being adopted is the root of her extreme Type A personality. She is very competitive, really aggressive and constantly worried about whom she knows and what she's done. My philosophy is that she is this way because she wants to feel better about the fact that she was abandoned by her birth parents. She is constantly trying to prove something to herself and everyone around her. If you have done something, she says that she's done it better. It's a wonder her husband, Baldo, hasn't run off to the desert to live with the coyotes. He would, at least, be a man around them.
   The other co-worker is Cherry's best friend, Smarty Handy. She is also aggitating. She is just an extension of Cherry. Her reason for being a Type A is similar. She, too, feels that she is not good enough and is stuck in the 80s. She barely finished high school before marrying the first man who kissed her. She was divorced with one child by the age of 19. Four more children, each with a different father, would follow for the next few years. She got ahead back in her 20s by flinging her long bleached blond hair whenever a man was involved. She soon landed a good job and could pretend to have more education than she actually did. Her days were now filled with obeying the whims of her friend, Cherry, who was providing her income as her employer. She spent much of the day throwing around "big" words so others wouldn't question her validity in the organization. She too felt that she needed to do something right in her life. She had managed to raise five children who were now all adults living under her roof. She longed for the life of an educated, successful socialite.
      The powers-that-be seemed to not notice or care that there were four people pushing the forms all day, when the job could have been done in half a day by one person. Cherry made sure that Smarty was looked after first. Everyone else were just pawns in the game to accomplish the paper pushing. Cherry was in control. Or, was she?

My blog decisions

I am going to figure out how to do this blogging thing the right way. I have so many interests that it would probably be best to categorize them in some way. I've gotta figure out how to do that. My main focus is to talk about my weight loss journey and how it is a factor in most things that I do. I also hope that as I loss weight, it will inspire someone else to do it too. I'll do some research on how to hook up the blog and I'll be back soon.

The start...again

It always seems that I'm "starting" something. I'm always starting a new hobby. I'm always starting a new diet. I'm always starting a new class. Now that I'm 37 years old, I want to stop JUST "starting" and actually finish. But, for now, this blog is yet another "start". Hopefully, this start will actually see me through to a finish.