My parents encouraged me to participate in activities just like any other kid when I was growing up. They watched as I tried out for activities only to be turned down most times. In my heart, I was always an athlete. I remember trying out for the girls basketball team in middle school. I wanted so badly to do well. I seemed to forget that I was not only fat, but really short too. I even had the nerve to try out for cheerleading. Although Mrs. Callahan was a ruthless typing teacher, she was extremely kind cheerleading coach and let me down easy after the tryouts. I have always had the spirit of a thin person. I often feel invincible until I try to move and realize that my body can't do what my brain wants to.
I was kind of active when I was a kid. I was about as active as a kid could be being confined to a school desk for the majority of the day. I loved school, but I hated gym class. My body was awkward. It also didn't help that I was extremely clumsy. I have always suffered from ear infections all of my life and have terrible balance issues. Even now, I fall and hurt myself because I feel like the world is zooming around too fast. But, in gym class, I was just not comfortable moving my body in front of people. Most times I would be hurt, have a note from my mom or doctor, and have to sit out of gym class anyway. Once while attending Linkhorne Middle School, we were playing basketball in gym class. A pencil rolled out onto the basketball court and I slipped up on it. Out of that entire basketball court, my foot found that one little pencil. When I went to the doctor that evening (I ended up having a sprained elbow and had to wear a sling) he asked me if my parents were abusing me. I was in his office so much that he couldn't believe that I was actually hurt so much by accident. I laughed as I explained that I was just a clutz.
Most days after school I played tennis, played basketball, rode my bike, and went for walks. I loved being inside though. I loved studying, reading, and watching TV and movies. My favorite thing to do was dance. Both of my parents worked and I would be home alone for at least 2 hours before my parents would show up. I would call my mom to let her know that I had gotten home safely and immediately raid the refrigerator. I would then watch TV until Dance Party USA came on the USA channel. I LOVED that show. I would dance and dance. I used to dream about being on that show. I would get to hang out with Princessa or Kelly Ripa and be on TV for the world (it was the world to me) to see. Dancing was a big part of my life. When I was in elementary school, I took ballet and tap lessons for years. Mrs. Carol Riggs told my mom that I had wonderfully expressive hands and that I was amazingly graceful. But, there came the time when I had to stop dancing lessons because my weight would not allow me to progress and go en pointe. My weight was too much for my toes. I was crushed. I had longed to wear the long tutu and get a beautiful pair of silky pink pointe shoes. I gave up on tap dancing too. But, I never gave up on dancing totally. I would dance all of the time when I was at home and still do. I had this habit of trying on new clothes and seeing if they passed "the dance test". I suppose I thought every outfit should be ready to bust a dance move at any moment. I would also listen to John Garabedian's Open House Party on K92 every Saturday and Sunday night. I would dance from 7pm until midnight in the hallway outside of my bedroom. My mom wanted to be a professional dancer when she was younger. I must have gotten the dance fever from her. In my house I could move anyway I wanted to and not have to think about my body.
Looking back I can totally see how my weight issues began. I am NOT going to ever blame anyone else for my weight gain. I am responsible for my weight issues. Even as a child, I was a smart kid and knew what I was doing. My parents only did what they knew to do. They are NOT responsible for what I've become. I'm an only child (I had a brother that died as an infant 2 years before I was born) and totally spoiled. I have always been a manipulator, especially when it comes to food. That is what makes me think that my issues stem from an addiction to food. For the first 3 or 4 years of my life, I was very sick. I had bad tonsils and they prevented me from keeping much food down. I was always throwing up when I was younger. But, when I was 5 years old, my tonsils were removed and I could freely eat. I was, and still am, uncontrollable around food. I was in nursery school when I discovered that food comforted me. I would have breakfast at home each morning and then have the free breakfast when I got to nursery school. After nursery school, I would be dropped off at my Grandma's house. She would give me a snack, my uncle would give me one, and my Daddy would too. Then, I would go home and have dinner. I have always loved Good Humor strawberry shortcake bars. At my Grandmother's house I was also not allowed to go outside and play because she was afraid that someone would kidnap me. I would sit and watch TV for hours until my parents got off from work and would take me home. Food gave me something to do that I loved.
Being home alone after school was scary and I was bored. Food comforted me in that situation too. After I blazed through the snacks after school, I was often left bored and ready to eat some more. But, there would be nothing to eat. So, I fixed that. I learned to cook. I was always mature for my age and could be trusted with dangerous things like a stove. I would whip up cakes, pies, turkey divan, chicken a la orange, and anything "instant". My parents appreciated it after a hard day at work. I was just thinking about how the food would be prepared already and we could go on and eat. Elementary school was about the time I also started developing a love of sodas.
As I got older, my relationship with food deteriorated even further. In high school I gave up on losing weight. Only twice in my life, up until that point, had I been able to lose significant amounts of weight. Once was on the old all-you-can eat pickle/mustard/tea diet. My pediatrician put me on that diet the summer before 5th grade. When I went back to school to register that fall, no one recognized me. That summer was torture. I do remember being allowed to drink "milkshakes" made from skim milk, cherries, and bananas. I learned to enjoy the milkshakes because everything else was so terrible. The second time I lost weight was due to being homesick. I had gone off to the University of Virginia for their Summer Enrichment Program (a program for smarty kids) the summer before 7th grade (I think). The 1 hour and 30 minute distance from Lynchburg seemed like thousands of miles away. I was homesick and didn't eat most of the time I was there. We were also walking everywhere. I was hot, hungry, and miserable the entire time. I recently asked my mom how long the program was because it seemed like I was there for months of torture. It was only for 2 weeks! I lost so much weight in that 2 weeks that my parents didn't recognize me when they came to pick me up.
Again, I gave up by high school. I just figure that I was made this way and there was no use in trying to change it. Then came something I was not used to...love. Ok, puppy love. I had my first crush when I was in middle school. He was a family friend and I had just seen him as an annoying boy that I knew. All of a sudden he wasn't so annoying anymore. I would only see him when our families infrequently visited each other and soon my heart was filled by someone else. High school was when I started to really "find" myself. I will say that my high school years were the best years of my life. It's sad to think that 4 years out of my life from 20 years ago would be the best time period in my life (thus far). AND, that compared to most, it wasn't that great of a time. I was starting to feel more comfortable with who I was. I had figured out what I was good at and focused on those things. I was fairly good at academics. I studied hard because I knew that I had to get into college. I joined organizations with others that made me comfortable. No one ever "made fun" of my weight and I felt like a typical high school student. Yes, I would have loved to have been an athlete or a cheerleader. But, I found happiness in other things and all was good. The only time my weight seemed to really bother me was when it came to boys.
