The gym and me

   Since July 2009, I've been going to the gym. It's still weird for me to write or say that phrase..."going to the gym" or "go to the gym". I think of myself and see myself in the mirror and don't think of me as someone who "goes to the gym". But, I am and I do. When I started in July, I had so many mixed emotions about it. I have been a fan of the Biggest Loser since its first season. I started going to casting calls and sending in video audition DVDs back a seasons ago. I've waited in line with hundreds of other people for hours in the heat, in the cold, and in the rain. Each time I've gone I've suffered an immediate feeling of rejection and depression. The first few casting calls I went to, I was the largest person there. At that time, the show was not taking someone as heavy as me. I went to the casting calls anyway. I was determined to charm them and convince them that someone my size could not only make the show interesting, but actually be able to do the challenges and exercises. No matter what persona I attack the casting calls at, they have not selected me. After each casting call (and through streams of tears) I vowed to lose weight before the next casting call I would attend. I have been able to keep that promise to myself. Each time I've gone to a casting call, I have weighed at least one pound lighter than the previous time.
     At the beginning of 2009, I decided that I was not going to wait around much longer for the Biggest Loser people to come to their senses and select me. I had to wait until July 2009 to take advantage of my employer's gym membership benefit. I decided that I wanted to join ACAC. They have one location about 5 minutes from my apartment and about 3 minutes from my job. I figured that would encourage me to go. I filled out my paperwork for the membership in mid-June. My membership would start on Wednesday July 1. On the evening of Tuesday, June 30, I went by the gym to "prep" myself for the next day. I explained to the membership coordinator that I was new to the gym and that I was going to be there the next morning. I wanted to know what to do so I could get started immediately. She was so nice. Based on my level of activity and my painful spurs, she recommended starting off on the Nu Step machine. It is a recumbent stepper. It does the arm and leg motion of a stepper, while sitting down and thus not putting as much pressure on the legs. The Nu Step can be set to provide more resistance and therefore giving a similar effect to walking on an incline. I tried out the machine that night. I had decided that I would go to the gym 3 times per week for 30 minutes each time. I had read that this was a good way to start and would actually help my body. At 5:30am on July 1, 2009 I started going to the gym. That first morning, one of the employees showed me how the exercise bikes worked as well. But, the Nu Step machine has been my primary form of exercise at the gym. In October and November 2009 I hardly ever went to the gym because my spurs hurt so badly that I could barely walk most days. The journey has been a tough one with the pain, but I'm still going to the gym (although not the 3 times per week).
    One day I was sitting at work and decided that I would like to try some of the other things my gym has to offer. I LOVE my gym. They have physical therapy and a spa as well. They have a pool and every piece of equipment imaginable. Most of the classes are free with a membership. AND, they have 3 locations that I can use. I see people working out and I want to so badly to be able to do the things I see them doing. I decided to inquire about the "Big Changes" program. For 8 weeks a personal trainer works with our group of 5 women to help us come up with an exercise and nutrition program. I do not need the nutrition part because I am going through the Weight Watchers program. We meet one night per week to work out. The trainer has also met with us each individually to set up a circuit we can do at the gym and at home. We should be doing the circuit at least 2 times per week outside of our weekly meeting. I've been doing it during the Biggest Loser commercial breaks. I also do them periodically during the week.
   I need to set a solid goal (not Solid Gold...HA!!!) for myself. I should get back to going to the gym three times per week and do my exercises at home each night. That is doable for me.

Being snowed in

   If you don't live on the East coast, you've probably heard that we recently had a great deal of snow here in Virginia. I don't handle winter weather well at all. When I was a kid my mother and I went over a bank sideways in her car during a snow event. Since that time, I panic when it snows, ices, or gets cold. I want to move out of this state and to somewhere in which it rarely if ever snows during winter months. I'm working on that. Anyway, being snowed in causes me all kinds of problems. I panic watching the snow fall and start to feel anxious. The anxiety makes me want to eat. I eat more when I'm snowed in than I do on an average day. It's less about boredom than anxiety for me.  I have already decided that I'm not going to weigh in at Weight Watchers this week. I don't want to spend the entire week worrying about the damage I did this past weekend. I'm heading to the gym today after work. The gym was not open this morning so I was not able to get in an early workout. So far, I've had 2 mugs of hot unsweetened green tea and a soyjoy bar. I forgot to make plans for dinner tonight, therefore I will have to get fast food tonight. I haven't had fast food in 11 days. I feel guilty, but I hope I can make a good choice when I do go out to eat.

Choices...the good, the bad, and the ugly

    This was a VERY bad week for me. I went to Weight Watchers today and had gained 1.6 pounds. As usual, I know EXACTLY what I did wrong. Let's see. I didn't walk to the post office to take the office mail ANY this week. I usually do it every day. I didn't go to the gym at all this week. I didn't journal (write down) or keep track visually of my food intake. I went to bed late each night and woke up "late" each morning (still made it to work on time each day...barely).  I ate all wrong too. I didn't have breakfast most mornings. I didn't eat an official lunch, but 3 days this week (a frozen Weight Watchers meal each time). I didn't drink enough water this week. I ate HUGE dinners. I didn't regularly take my daily medications or multi-vitamin. I snacked too much at night this week. Last night I had half a bag of hot chili pepper cheese puffs. I also couldn't sleep and got out of the bed to have way too much English cheddar cheese, pepperoni, and wheat thins. For dinner, on two nights, I ate about half a bag of kettle chips each time. I didn't plan my meals at all this week and just threw together convenience meals that were not healthy. Verdict...it was the perfect storm for weight gain and I am the one creating these raging storms.

Keep on keeping on

     This past Thursday, I went to Weight Watchers. I wasn't scared or nervous this time. I decided this past week that I would focus on losing one pound per week. One pound. Establishing this goal, makes it seem more "doable" to me. This is also considered a "safe" weight loss. AND, if I do indeed lose at this rate that would be 52 pounds at the end of a year. That's not too bad. At least I would be going in the right direction. Anything over the 1 pound per week, would just be icing on the cake. So, it was with this new goal that I went into last week. I think I have started a morning ritual that is helping me too. I get to work early and make a 14 ounce mug of hot, unsweetened green tea each morning. It is something about the warm drink and being forced to take my time drinking it (or get burned) that comforts me. It's become so enjoyable that I've been drinking about 3- 14 ounce servings at work during the day. On the days I go to the gym in the mornings, I'm also drinking a 16.9 ounce bottle of water while working out. I also drink a 16.9 ounce bottle of water during my lunch and another one for dinner. I think this increase in water consumption has helped me some. I've been cutting back on my portions too. I have not been going to the gym as I should and could. That will be my focus this week. For the past 2 weeks, I've been going 2 times per week... one day in the morning for one hour and then on Thursday nights for one hour. I hope to get back to the gym for at least 3 mornings this week in addition to my training session on Thursday night. This week I have a private training session on Tuesday afternoon. I have also been doing exercises at home during the Biggest Loser commercials. In a perfect world, I would go every morning and every day after work as well as the weekends. I'm building up to that and I KNOW it will be that way someday.
   So, what did my efforts this week show on the scale at my Weight Watchers meeting? I lost 2.4 pounds. In the past 7 weeks on the program I have lost 8.2 pounds. From my highest weight to my current weight, I am down about 36 pounds. I'm not going to stop and I'm just going to keep on going.

Slow and steady...oh, and Twilight

    I went to my weekly Weight Watchers meeting today. I'll get to those results in a minute.
    For some reason, I have not been "myself" this week. Maybe it was due to my new, weird obsession with the Twilight series. My husband keeps making fun of me because it is "for teenagers". I don't see it quite that way. Literature is literature. And, I like, what I like. So there. I have been compelled to actually be quiet and sit still each night (with no TV on) to read. I haven't enjoyed a book this much since The Number One Ladies Detective Agency series. I'm on the third book, Eclipse, right now. At the same time I've been reading the paper version of the books, I also read the partial copy of Midnight Sun that Stephenie Meyer has on her website. It's such a shame she has not been inspired to complete that project. I can understand her frustration at the project's leaking. It would feel like someone had violated a great trust to reveal your incomplete work. HOWEVER, she must understand that there is a fan base out there that appreciates her work no matter the situations behind it all. The leaking of the project has implications that she must consider. First, of all, whomever leaked the work KNOWS the importance of the Twilight phenomenon. This betrayal can actually be considered a compliment. Secondly, the interest fans have shown in reading the leaked material shows the devotion WE have to the story. The books take us to a place we would NEVER have privy to in reality. It has absolutely fascinated me that this story has been in her head and she was able to put it on paper. I have also tried to think about Twilight's success from another perspective. Perhaps, in its infancy, Stephenie Meyer did not think this series would be THIS popular. That must be a lot pressure. Particularly, if she wants to move on to other projects and her fans do not want her to. AND, the pressure to create something as wonderful as Twilight will always be a stress to her. Anyway, I read online today that Stephenie Meyer is working on a graphic novel version of the series. I hope her heart will soften to the idea of completing the Midnight Sun project and maybe go back and tell each book from Edward's perspective (I don't want the series to ever end, can you tell?).  My hope is that she will work on this project and be inspired to at least complete Midnight Sun...for us fans.
    OK. Enough about that. So, this past week (like I said before) I was kind of "out of it". It was a weird "feeling" week. I was off from work on Friday for Lee Jackson day and on Monday for Martin Luther King Day. My aunt (my mom's oldest sister) died last week and her funeral was on Saturday. My mother's birthday was also on Saturday. I think it was the combination of these things (along with Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse) that made the week have a lingering air of strangeness to it. Things were "unusual" and my brain knew that. I was even only vaguely interested in the Biggest Loser last night. I went my training session last Thursday and was given some exercises to do at home at 2 times before we will meet tonight. I did them twice over the weekend. I only went to the gym once this week. But, I also didn't feel much like eating this week. The end result was a 3 pound loss on the scale. I have gone to 6 Weight Watchers meetings in a row now. That's a record for me. I hope to be more focused this week and have more purpose to my weight loss actions. I don't know HOW to accomplish that, but I will try.

To weigh or not to weigh

   Yesterday was my Weight Watchers meeting at work. As I had written, I didn't know if I was going to weigh in or not. I was strongly leading towards NOT weighing in, but was trying desperately to trick my mind into thinking that I didn't have the option not to.  I left my office for the weigh-in at around noon. The meetings are in the office across the parking lot from mine. I felt like I was going to the gas chamber or somewhere equally as unpleasant as that. I stopped on the way to pick up the mail for my office. When I got into the meeting room, there were maybe 5 others there standing in line waiting to be weighed. I sat down and for some bizarre reason started rubbing my fingers roughly over the plastic of the Ziploc bag that I keep my Weight Watchers materials in. It was like rubbing on that plastic would make something change. Then I had the overwhelming feeling of sickness. It was like I was some invisible hand was reaching into my stomach and twisting my intestines into a knot. I was all of a sudden really aware that there were other people there and they might be watching me like I'm some kind of freak. It was a surreal moment like you see in movies. When I looked up the two ladies that always talk to me each meeting (I couldn't tell you their names if you offered me a million dollars), were motioning for me to get in line. For a second I was pissed off. We don't HAVE to weigh in each week. I was feeling pressured. BUT, I had to make a decision or the line would be too long and my decision would be based on that and my impatience. I decided that I would sign the sign-in sheet and ask the meeting leader what to do if we do not want to weigh in. I went into my little plastic bag and got out my weigh-in booklet. I figured she would have to write something in there to make sure I was counted present. She hands us weekly materials for the meeting, so I had to go up to her anyway. I signed the sheet, grabbed my weigh-in folder, and stood in line behind the 3 people who were waiting. I was still thinking and felt really awkward. I remember looking down at the carpet and noticing the tiny intricate pattern that may or may not have been there only by coincidence. In no time it was my time at the front of the line. I plopped down my little weigh-in folder down in front of her. I told her that I didn't think I was going to weigh in. She asked if there was a reason I thought I had done so badly. I felt like I was going to cry. I really did. I could see that pool of water building up over my eyeballs and distorting her face. The tears never ran down my cheeks, but they were actually impairing my vision at that point. All I could think about was my trip to Northern Virginia this past weekend. The Big Bowl, the Red Robin, the Wegman's Asain wokery, the eggs and sausage every morning at the hotel complete with salsa, cheese, and sour cream. I swear this next part. I DO NOT remember taking my shoes off, stepping on the scale, or what I said or what she said or what went through my mind or anything. The next thing I clearly remembered was sitting down and the girl beside me asking me about the lunch I bring to the meetings each week. Right before the meeting started, I opened up the weigh-in book and saw my weight for the week. I had lost 2 pounds. Instead of being happy, I was numb.
   This experience really scared me. Not because of the weigh-in, but because of my reaction to it. I got so worked up about it that I don't even remember half of what happened. That's not good. Where was my brain at that moment and what was it doing? When I started this program, I resolved that I would get on the scale no matter what I thought the outcome would be. I knew I would have to monitor my every bite because it would show up on the scale at a later time. What I didn't expect was to be so upset because of all of this. I've been to four or five meetings now. In the past I would have quit by now. Maybe that is what is scaring me. I never know when I'll just give up. I'm waiting for me to realize that something is right...or wrong...get scared and run. I don't really know how to be a new or different Wendy. I just know how to be fat, limited, quitter, unhappy, Wendy. I know how to quit...very well. I know how to avoid...very well. I know how to be depressed...very well. I know how to PRETEND to be happy...very well. I don't know how to be deal with my emotions at all. It's like all of a sudden I can't use food to cover up what I really feel and I'm scared of it. That leaves me very exposed because I don't know what else to do when I get happy, or sad, or nervous, or scared.
   This journey is going to be impossibly long.

The track...on and off

   I have a favorite song from the 80s by a group called the Breakfast Club. The song is called "Right on Track". I love that song, not only for its musicality, but for the video. There are these women in the video dressed up like chickens and dancing. They have on deep red lipstick too. Now, as we all know chickens cannot dance and they totally don't have lips to put lipstick on. But, I think it is funny to think of what our world would be like if these dancing, lipstick wearing chickens really existed. A better one, I think.
  The point of that little story is that the song makes me think about my weight loss journey. I'm constantly getting back on track. AND, it is very rarely that I am "right on track".  I often sing that song to myself when I had a good day and do everything right. It's the hope that I am "right on track" or on the right track that inspires me. Then I go and mess it up by doing or eating something stupid. I'm so incredibly flawed. I often wonder if maybe my brain isn't wired all jacked up. Like I'm missing something up there that allows me to resist the things that are bad for me. If I'm creating my own problems, I seem to be plagued by natural ones. I may never find what will make me complete and "ok".
  I go to my Weight Watchers meeting today at noon. I'm not going to weigh this week. Unless, I get some bravery between now and then, I'm just not going to do it. This is so typically me. I avoid the truth at every chance I get. My weight is what it is right now. Not knowing isn't going to change it or make it go away. Maybe I can rationalize it all before noon and go on and do it. I know what I did this past week and that it will show up on the scale. But, who does it matter to more than to me? So, why not know? If I had a tumor, I would want to know so I could get it taken care of. Not knowing isn't making the problem better, right? For the past 2 weeks, I've had the most tumultuous Thursdays. This is where I usually give up and coward away resolved that I will never change. Can I convince myself to weigh today?

Fat, Sugar, and Salt...oh my!

   I hope the new year is going well for everyone. I'm having my usual ups and downs. I went to the gym yesterday and ate half of my Weight Watchers points for the day. Then there was this morning. It's amazing how much damage I can do within a few mere minutes. I got up this morning at 5:15am, went to the gym, worked out, immediately headed to McDonalds, and undid everything. Good grief!!!! I ate all of my daily Weight Watchers points in one meal. I was uncontrolable. I actually sat in my car with my head down on my steering wheel crying before I went into the gym. I wasn't going to go in at all. You see, yesterday my usual Nu Step machine was dirty. I used the one beside it. When I looked up there was a mirror in front of me. I almost had a panic attack. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror AT ALL. I certainly didn't want to see myself all flushed and sweating. All if could think about yesterday was how I was this big blob on a machine, barely moving, yet sweating, and getting nowhere. I see the other people at the gym moving so gracefully and purposefully and I get so jealous. I have always wanted to be an athletic person. Here's a little secret. I love watching people's muscles move. Not in some kinky, sick, freaky way. I love to see people's skin over their muscles and they way it all works like a machine. I don't like to see bones though. I can't really explain it. It's just so different from what I see in the mirror...fat, no visible muscle, weakness.
   It is becoming pretty obvious that I am my own worst enemy. How do I stop that? How do I learn to love myself enough to stay away from fast food? How do I learn to value myself enough to do "good"? I don't how to do this and I don't know where it all went wrong? It certainly is not because of my upbringing. My parents and grandmothers all treat(ed) me like a queen. My grandmother once told my Daddy that I was treated better than the President's daughter. It's so true. Maybe being treated so well and having everything given to me did something. Maybe I feel like I don't have a reason or the strength to change. I don't know. Need to do some thinking.

The truth is hard to face

  I had my Weight Watchers meeting today. Well, actually it is going on as I write. Our meeting got relocated to another conference room and it was so hot and cramped that I could not tolerate it. I debated and debated over the past few days about whether I would weigh in or not. Why would have this debate you ask? I know what I ate over the holidays. I was BAD!!!! I ate more than I would on a regular day. Most holidays I don't eat much, but I lay around a lot. This year I did both. Long story short...I GAINED 3.4 pounds over the past 3 weeks. Let see. What does that 3.4 pounds represent during those 3 weeks? Here are some memorable dishes. The delicious fruitcake my daddy makes. The awesome hermit cake he also makes. My mother-in-law's scrumptious rum cake. My mother-in-law's heavenly country ham. My sister-in-law's delightful parmesan stuffed dates wrapped in bacon. My sister-in-law's delightful oreo cookie treats. My mom's tantalizingly moist turkey (which later made amazing turkey sandwiches with white bread and Miracle Whip...3 at a time).  My mom's sinful spiral ham. My decadent cream cheese filled pumpkin muffins. My dad's comforting oyster stew. The 4 Apple Uglies. The Big 'N Tasty with cheese and the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese from McDonalds. The Swiss Colony cheeses. And, that's not all. Then there was the Cheeseburger in Paradise episode...an order of conch fritters with dipping sauce, 90% of my husband's order of fried dill pickles with dipping sauce, an order of teriyaki string beans, a HUGE burger with 2 kinds of cheese, 3 glasses of sweetened black tea, and one fruity mixed drink. There was also halves of 2 different kinds of pizza (that means one whole pizza) from Mellow Mushroom, the 3 BBQ pork sandwiches with cole slaw and a half bag of cheddar sour cream chips, and the 24 chicken wings at Buffalo Wild Wings. That was the holiday for me. That was just the itty bitty tip of the iceberg. Sad. So sad.
    Ok. Now what? I learned something very important from this holiday experience. I have a SERIOUS problem with food. DUH!!! If you asked me how many times I was actually hungry when I ate all of this stuff, the answer would probably be around 30-40% of the time. Now, I just have to take a deep breath and head in the right direction.  This week, I've gone to the gym 3 times for 45 minutes each time on the Nu Step machine. The lady in charge of the training program at my gym delayed our sessions until next Thursday. I will start that program next week. I will also be starting 2 different yoga classes the week of January 18. I was a little proud of myself for even going to that Weight Watchers meeting today. It was a personal triumph. You see, in the past, I have always (for some strange reason) started the Weight Watchers programs before the holidays. I would also feel so ashamed of my holiday weight gains that I would either never show up to another meeting or go to find out what I weighed and THEN stop going. But, this year I went and WILL continue to go no matter the results.

Same things in a different way

   Last night was the premiere of the Biggest Loser: Season 9. Of course, I was watching intently. I had to just let my negative feelings about the show go and just give in. I still would LOVE to be on that show. I'm thinking casting calls for season 11 will be sometime in February or March. I'm hoping they will try for a Virginia location again. My first casting call was in Suffolk, VA back in March 2008. They still have not found a contestant from Virginia to be on the ranch. But, I'm losing weight on my own, so they may miss their chance. I made a promise to myself that with each casting call I go to, I will be thinner than the previous one. Thus far, I have kept that promise.

   I have watched every season of the Biggest Loser. It's a cry-fest for me. I hear the contestants stories and they reflect my own story. As Jillian Michaels said last night, when someone gets to the Biggest Loser ranch they are at their lowest. I believe that. As someone who is willing to put on a sports bra and biker shorts, stand in front of the nation, and tell them what their weight is, I know what low is. But, I'm not exactly at the lowest. I was at the lowest between January 2007 and June 2009. My weight was at its highest and my morale was at its lowest. It's starting to slowly turn around for me. The funny part is, I have no clue what caused me to be so low or what has caused me to improve. I'm moving on though. As part of moving on, I decided to use the Biggest Loser in a different way last night. Back a few seasons ago, my husband and I would watch the show and eat snacks. Watching them exercise used to make me really hungry for some reason. The past two seasons, my husband has been working during the Biggest Loser and didn't watch the show with me. I would do chores during the show and play on the computer. Bob and Jillian have said many times that during commercial breaks, viewers should do exercises. Well, last night, I gave it a try. I have a set of 5 pound weights and a resistance band beside the couch. Back in January of 2008 I started lifting light 3 pound weights while I watched TV. I did this for all of 2008. In January 2009, I moved up to 5 pound weights and bought the resistance bands. I stuck with it for about a month and then quit. Last night I dusted the weights and bands off and started "working out" during the commercials. I can laugh about it now because it is over, but you never realize how many commercials there are during a show and how long they are. If I had been doing laundry or going to the bathroom or something, I'd have to rush to get back before a show started up after the commercials. Not last night. It seemed like the commercials would never end. During one commercial break, I even did some wall pushups (standing up and pushing against a wall instead of getting on the floor...same motion and form as a traditional pushup, only standing up instead) like Bob suggested last year on the Biggest Loser. By the end of that commercial break I was out of breath, sweating, and my arms were quivering. At the end of the two hour premier, I was exhausted!! That's sad. Anyway, I feel like I actually did something good for my body. I woke up feeling great this morning and my 45 minute workout at the gym on the Nu Step machine breezed by. Now I just have to watch what I eat today. So far, I've had my vitamins, one banana, and a mug of hot unsweetened green tea.  My fingers are crossed that I can be good for the rest of the day.

New year, new perspective

Happy new year to all!!!! I hope it was a restful holiday season for everyone. I also hope that we all have recharged our "batteries" and are ready to meet our individual goals for the new year. I have always hated the idea of resolutions. I always felt that it was useless to wait until January 1 to make a change. I suppose it is one of the reasons why I joined the gym in July and started Weight Watchers in November. I also tend to "start" new things on May 15 (my birthday). To me my birthday is the start of my year. But, this year I feel like I want to celebrate this whole tradition of making a resolution. My resolutions are more like goals. I am going to the gym at least 3 days per week for 30 minutes each time. I am going to go to all of my Weight Watchers meetings even if I didn't do well during the week (I can go and not weigh in). I am going to write on my blog at least 3 times per week.

Now that I've written those resolutions/goals, I'm realizing something. I am afraid to commit to making significant changes. If I were not scared of failing, I would have said that I am going to the gym everyday for 45 minutes or more. I would have said that I am going to go to the gym 3 or more times per week in the afternoons after work. I would have said that I am going to lose a specific amount of weight before the end of the year. I would have committed to writing on the blog each and every day. I'm so accustomed to failure that I no longer "set the bar" high. I hope that I am just able to do the minimum. I need to challenge myself more in the new year.