I started REALLY being interested in boys when I was in high school. I had crushes on boys before that time, but nothing that made me think about a boy ALL of the time. It hit me in ninth grade. I fell in love HARD!! But...he wasn't in love with me. He was a smart, African American kid just like me. He had been a nerdy type when we were in middle school together. I really didn't like him back then. He was mean to me and would do little spiteful things. Then, I found myself thinking about him during the summer before my ninth grade year. Looking back, I was really funny. I would see him outside of school and do the old "ignore him" thing like I was not interested. I would often secretly ride by his house in the hope of seeing him. When we got back to school for our ninth grade year, he was not so awkward. He was actually very cute. I started to desire seeing him all of the time. If we had a class together, I could not concentrate. I was always on the lookout for him in the hallways, out in public, anywhere. In my head, I just knew that he was one of those boys that liked a girl for her mind and wouldn't care about my looks. He was smart and he deserved a smart girlfriend. That was a naive girl's thinking. What I didn't realize at the time was the nature of teenaged boys (and adult men too). They want to fit in and be popular. Even if he had feelings for me, which he didn't, he could not have expressed them. He needed to be popular just like I wanted to be popular and every other teen in America did. Having a fat, smart girlfriend that didn't put-out wasn't going to do that for him. He was just trying to survive like I was. But, at the time, I was hurting. I know that he knew my feelings. The biggest heartbreak was when he started dating. I could only imagine what he did with those girls. The thought that some unworthy girl would be his "first" killed my spirit. There were two moments that sealed my emotional fate with him. I asked him to be my date for my debutant ball and he turned me down. He also lovingly showed up at our senior picture session with his girlfriend (who he had the habit of dressing like). Even though my high school years were the best time of my life, my self esteem was at an extreme low.
The next time I fell in love was quite different from my high school one-sided love. In 1990 I was accepted as a student into the University of Virginia (UVA). The summer before my first year, I was in a program known as the "Summer Prep" program. This was a program designed for "at risk" students. "At risk" meant that we were African Americans, athletes, first generation college students, or some combination of those attributes. My parents did not go to college until I went off to college and I am African American. College life and being away from home were totally new experiences for me. I was homesick that entire summer. This time period was one of the ones in which I lost a significant amount of weight. UVA is a sprawled out campus and walking is the most efficient mode of getting around. That summer, I walked everywhere, ate very little, sweated, cried, and missed my parents. There was one good thing about the program, however. I made friends. This is the hardest part for any college freshman and I had gotten that over with that summer. This is also where I met my second "love". He was a cute, cocky, smart, wealthy boy that knew about golf. At that time, I didn't know any African Americans that knew about golf. He was a smooth talker who often visited the pretty girls that were living in my suite. For the entire summer I disliked him for the qualities that I listed, but I soon saw another side of him. On the very last night of our summer program, he and I were two of the only few students who had not gone home yet. I was standing outside one night when he approached me and started carrying on a conversation. I knew he must have been bored for talking to me at all. The longer he talked the more charming he became. By the end of that night, I saw him as a caring, kind, intelligent man with a big heart. That night would change the entire course of my life.
When we returned back to UVA for the fall semester, I was physically stronger than I was when I got there for Summer Prep. I was happy and full of anticipation for the future. I was ready to study hard, get my degree, graduate, get a great job, and retire by the age of 40. One week into the semester, I had slept through 2 classes, had my first alcoholic beverage, and attended my first fraternity party. During that semester I continued to lose weight. I walked everywhere and ate very little. I was more interested in my "love". He SEEMED to be interested in me too. Again, I didn't understand the nature of some men. He was only interested in me when I was giving him something or giving him myself. I didn't see it at the time. The one good side effect of this relationship was that I continued losing weight. I was at my lowest weight during that time. I have never been a "thin" person. But, I was smaller. However, I was not small enough for him. I soon realized that I was his "secret" friend. I was the person who he hid from others. I wasn't girlfriend material because I was still fat. This relationship went on for 4 years. I spent so much time thinking about and pursuing him that I flunked out of college. That's my fault and I'm not blaming him. I just made REALLY bad decisions and I am still paying for them. Had I gotten my degree, I might have had a successful career and not had the string of unsatisfying jobs that I have had. My fault.
So, why do these two men have so much to do with my weight loss journey? I really don't know. Maybe not at all. But, if I still get emotional about both of them, that tells me something. Maybe it is about the loss of innocence. Maybe it is regret. Maybe it is about wanting to be loved in with this fat body. Maybe it is realizing that I will never be worthy to others because of this body. I don't know. I'm hoping the blog and input from others will help me see if there is a connection.
