In the introduction to my weight gain/loss journey I explained that I have a hard time "life multi-tasking". I have a good real-time example of that. In July 2007 I started the job that I am currently at. I started going back to school in September 2006 to earn my master's in accounting. From September 2006 until July 2007 I was unemployed and strictly going to school. I enjoyed that time period. My parents agreed to help me with my bills as along as I was going to school. I soon realized that the amount they were able to help me with wasn't enough to cover all of my bills. I started looking for a job to supplement my "income". In July 2007, I found the perfect job for that. I was working about 24 hours per week. The schedule was odd (Mondays off, alternating half days on Tuesday afternoons and alternating half days on Saturday mornings), but I learned to live with it and enjoyed having the time off all day on Mondays and Tuesdays (except for the alternating half days). I had enough money to pay the bills and have some fun and the time to do it. I took care of housework, run errands, and went to any doctors appointments on Mondays. I went to water aerobics on Tuesday mornings. I was seeing significant improvements in my flexibility and my arthritis. I was also getting a lot of rest on Mondays and Tuesdays. I have sleep apnea and am unable to use my CPAP machine. So, for now, getting a lot of sleep on Mondays and Tuesdays is the only way I can make it through a week. I noticed (as well as other people) that I looked younger and happier. I was getting rest and life was good. On Monday nights I have my bowling league. On Tuesday and Thursday nights I have tax class. I was getting out, getting active, and meeting new people. I have taken some time out of school to rest, but would be resuming classes in late October and finishing up in May 2010 as scheduled. AND, let's not forget that I was going to the gym 3 days per week at 5:30AM.
This schedule went on like this until last week. Then my world came crashing down. My boss had hired a good friend of hers to work in the office and that person was now a new mother and unable to commit to the office. My boss decided that she would increase MY hours at work to make up for her friend being gone. I would be in the office Monday thru Friday from 8:30-3:30. She also said that eventually it would be a 40 hour position. I DID NOT want my schedule to change and I did not want to work more than 24 hours per week at this time. Her responce to that, basically, was that this was the way it would be and I could quit if I didn't like it because my old job was gone. No more water aerobics. No more running errands. I had decided to bowl on Mondays because I would have all day to run errands, prepare for our dinner, and then get there at night. Now I have committed to a team and I couldn't drop them. I would have to rush home after work, grab dinner, and then rush across town to bowling. I would now have to rush around on Tuesdays and Thursdays to get ready for tax class. I would have to fit in errands whenever I could.
I know some of you are reading this and thinking that I'm a whiney little spoiled brat. Yes, that is true in some cases. BUT, I have lived this type of life before. When I worked at the University of Virginia, I worked a 40- plus hour work week. I would end up working 70 hours per week sometimes. I worked at that job from 1998-2006. It CONSUMED my life. I couldn't even take a vacation day without there being some issue that I would have to attend to. I was constantly attacted to my email. I had to change my home phone number because my co-workers were calling me at 1am in the morning with problems. It was terrible and stressful. I was upset all of the time. I looked like I was 20 years older than I was. I started having problems with IBS and acid reflux. I was living off of fast food. I was tired and sleepy all of the time. I would cry in the bathroom at work and continue to cry at home. I complained all of the time too. When I my husband and I sat down to dinner each night (usually fast food that I picked up) I started the complaining which was stressing him out. I was not fun to be around and I didn't like who I had become. I put a quick stop to that. I left that job and started back to school.
The time period when I was unemployed was great. I had developed a little daily routine. I was stress free and happy. I was well rested and my husband and I were eating well. I had time to research recipes and find the best way to prepare them as well as the time to prepare them. I was getting housework done and losing some weight.
But, alas, the bad habits have started again. The first thing that has happened is that my complaining has started again. I did not like my job at 24 hours. I HATE it at 35. I do not really like the way our organization (if you can call 4 people an organization) is run and I dislike everyone there. I've been bringing my problems home to my husband. I have only made it to the gym one time this week because I have to go to bed late in order to get everything done after work each day OR because I'm just too mentally tired to get up OR because I'm so afraid that I will oversleep and not get to work on time that I'm not sleeping well at night. I have also ditched my bowling team twice and my tax class 2 times. I have not beeing eating breakfast or lunches. I have made convenient (and not so healthy) dinners each workday.
Yesterday was just the fifth day of my new schedule. Disaster is ensuing already.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
The Biggest Loser...mixed thoughts
Last night I watched the Biggest Loser as I always do. I am starting to have mixed feelings about the show. I have been watching this show since its first season. I can remember the morning radio shows talking about the show the morning after the first show of the first season. They were all making fun of seeing the nearly naked fat people. This was a new concept. Most of us fat folks try to hide our fat. But, those first brave contestants really paved the way us all becoming a little less shocked at seeing rolls of fat. I remember thinking during that first show that this show wouldn't make it to a second season. I was so wrong!! I thought this because I thought no one was interested in seeing a bunch of fat people trying to lose weight. What I DID NOT take into account was the number of fat people in this country who were also watching the show. Until the Biggest Loser came along, I thought I was the only morbidly obese person in this country. I often felt that way. When I left my home, I felt that I was some freakish monster because everyone else is so much thinner than me. I have changed my thinking slightly about this because of the Biggest Loser. I also didn't take into account that "fat" means many different weights from slightly overweight up to the super morbidly obese. This means that there are a lot of overweight people in this country according to weight standards.
One thing that I've realized from watching the Biggest Loser is that we ALL have SOMETHING that we want to change about ourselves or improve. That is a good thing. That is life. We should never accept just staying the same. We should all be growing and learning and changing. Humans are dynamic. I want to change my weight, my job, my happiness level. We should all strive to change ourselves and the world around us at all times. This could mean something as simple as learning about a new culture or suddenly realizing that you like a new food. When I thought I was the only person with a "problem", I was wrong. Watching the Biggest Loser provides me the opportunity to see people who have the same challenge that I do and not feel so alone in this battle. These people can't ride amusement park rides, fit into booths at restaurants, or buy clothes in a "normal" store, just like me. That doesn't make it "OK", but it makes me feel less lonely. I always shout out a few "amens" during the show because I understand their challenges as a fat person.
I say that I have mixed thoughts about this show for many reasons. I have to start out by saying that I would LOVE to be on the show. I have sent in 4 casting videos and gone to 5 open casting calls. I would love the opportunity to leave my normal life behind for a while and focus solely on my weight loss issues. It becomes difficult when you have life issues to take care of...laundry, cooking meals, fitting in exercise, taking care of loved ones, a job, dealing with debt, taking classes, grocery shopping and errands. The things that make life "life" really take me off of my course. I don't multitask in life very well. I can focus really well on one aspect and the others fall behind. If I have a bad day at work, I'll go on an eating binge. Or, if I am tired after a long day, I'll get fast food instead of cooking a healthy meal at home. At the Biggest Loser ranch, my focus would be on me. I could use the time to just focus on the weight loss. I could workout, learn about my eating habits, and take care of my mental health. I need the chance to just stop, shut down, and reset my mind and body mechanisms. AND, I really need that money. The $250,000 prize money would get me out of debt and clear my mind for one moment in time. Money problems are a HUGE part of my life. I KNOW I would win that show and therefore win the money and get the opportunities after the show. I would love to give speeches and motivate people.
The mixed feelings start coming in from the entire concept of TV producing. Having been to so many casting calls, talked to so many hopefuls, and done a great deal of research, I know how this TV thing works. We don't see everything on TV that really happens. What we see has been manipulated to make good TV and the time frames are skewed. For instance, few know that contestants have a high calorie day and can let go of their eating for a day. When I was regularly on the Weight Watchers program, I would have an "anything goes" day on Saturdays. When I started doing that, the weight came off easier. Biggest Loser viewers do not get to see what the contestants choose to eat on those days and have not been given a good explanation as to why. Instead of trying to push gum, yogurt, protein powder, scales, subs, and water bottles to us, tell us some useful information. I would also like to know more about the safety behind losing so much weight in a short period of time. I know that 1-2 pounds is the recommended amount of safe weight loss. Why is it safe for these contestants to lose so much weight at one time? Is it OK for me to be in the gym for a total of 6 hours per day as well as long as my doctor says I'm healthy? These are the things that I would like for them to divulge to the audience. You know...how it all works. I think people need that because some people don't know how the Biggest Loser process works and get disappointed from their normal weight loss in real life. BUT, I do understand that maybe they can't go into all of that in 2 hours. Perhaps I'm the only one interested in that stuff. I am also conflicted by the way contestants are treated on the show. I think most people need a tough trainer with compassion. There is a way to talk to people. You don't have to beat someone to within an inch of their lives as Jillian has said to get results. Firm and compassion. There is a better way. BUT, when one signs up for the show, they know what they are getting into. I just wish exercise and meeting those goals could be presented in a more humane way. I have been working out since July 1, 2009 and enjoy it so. It is not torture, but a way to release stress and get me going for the day. I know that I should not be working out until I'm injured, throwing up, or passing out. Those are signs that something is wrong. BUT, if you want to go on that show, you want to get treated that way. I would love the chance to go on that show no matter how I got treated for the advantages of the opportunity. I also don't like the way they have the contestants wear those sports bras when they are at their heaviest. I know that the producers want the contestants to look terrible. It just seems so degrading. It says that the fat body is to be mocked and disrespected and the thin body should be adored and respected. BUT, if I got on that show, I would prance right up to that big scale (which is a fake) and show my rolls for all to see.
So, you see how I'm conflicted about the show? It really doesn't matter, I suppose. I do see those contestants working out and it inspires me to do something. I used to watch and eat. Watching them workout made me really hungry. Now, I sometimes get on my excercise bike and ride during the show. I won't be buying any Extra gum or food scales because of this show...not yet.
One thing that I've realized from watching the Biggest Loser is that we ALL have SOMETHING that we want to change about ourselves or improve. That is a good thing. That is life. We should never accept just staying the same. We should all be growing and learning and changing. Humans are dynamic. I want to change my weight, my job, my happiness level. We should all strive to change ourselves and the world around us at all times. This could mean something as simple as learning about a new culture or suddenly realizing that you like a new food. When I thought I was the only person with a "problem", I was wrong. Watching the Biggest Loser provides me the opportunity to see people who have the same challenge that I do and not feel so alone in this battle. These people can't ride amusement park rides, fit into booths at restaurants, or buy clothes in a "normal" store, just like me. That doesn't make it "OK", but it makes me feel less lonely. I always shout out a few "amens" during the show because I understand their challenges as a fat person.
I say that I have mixed thoughts about this show for many reasons. I have to start out by saying that I would LOVE to be on the show. I have sent in 4 casting videos and gone to 5 open casting calls. I would love the opportunity to leave my normal life behind for a while and focus solely on my weight loss issues. It becomes difficult when you have life issues to take care of...laundry, cooking meals, fitting in exercise, taking care of loved ones, a job, dealing with debt, taking classes, grocery shopping and errands. The things that make life "life" really take me off of my course. I don't multitask in life very well. I can focus really well on one aspect and the others fall behind. If I have a bad day at work, I'll go on an eating binge. Or, if I am tired after a long day, I'll get fast food instead of cooking a healthy meal at home. At the Biggest Loser ranch, my focus would be on me. I could use the time to just focus on the weight loss. I could workout, learn about my eating habits, and take care of my mental health. I need the chance to just stop, shut down, and reset my mind and body mechanisms. AND, I really need that money. The $250,000 prize money would get me out of debt and clear my mind for one moment in time. Money problems are a HUGE part of my life. I KNOW I would win that show and therefore win the money and get the opportunities after the show. I would love to give speeches and motivate people.
The mixed feelings start coming in from the entire concept of TV producing. Having been to so many casting calls, talked to so many hopefuls, and done a great deal of research, I know how this TV thing works. We don't see everything on TV that really happens. What we see has been manipulated to make good TV and the time frames are skewed. For instance, few know that contestants have a high calorie day and can let go of their eating for a day. When I was regularly on the Weight Watchers program, I would have an "anything goes" day on Saturdays. When I started doing that, the weight came off easier. Biggest Loser viewers do not get to see what the contestants choose to eat on those days and have not been given a good explanation as to why. Instead of trying to push gum, yogurt, protein powder, scales, subs, and water bottles to us, tell us some useful information. I would also like to know more about the safety behind losing so much weight in a short period of time. I know that 1-2 pounds is the recommended amount of safe weight loss. Why is it safe for these contestants to lose so much weight at one time? Is it OK for me to be in the gym for a total of 6 hours per day as well as long as my doctor says I'm healthy? These are the things that I would like for them to divulge to the audience. You know...how it all works. I think people need that because some people don't know how the Biggest Loser process works and get disappointed from their normal weight loss in real life. BUT, I do understand that maybe they can't go into all of that in 2 hours. Perhaps I'm the only one interested in that stuff. I am also conflicted by the way contestants are treated on the show. I think most people need a tough trainer with compassion. There is a way to talk to people. You don't have to beat someone to within an inch of their lives as Jillian has said to get results. Firm and compassion. There is a better way. BUT, when one signs up for the show, they know what they are getting into. I just wish exercise and meeting those goals could be presented in a more humane way. I have been working out since July 1, 2009 and enjoy it so. It is not torture, but a way to release stress and get me going for the day. I know that I should not be working out until I'm injured, throwing up, or passing out. Those are signs that something is wrong. BUT, if you want to go on that show, you want to get treated that way. I would love the chance to go on that show no matter how I got treated for the advantages of the opportunity. I also don't like the way they have the contestants wear those sports bras when they are at their heaviest. I know that the producers want the contestants to look terrible. It just seems so degrading. It says that the fat body is to be mocked and disrespected and the thin body should be adored and respected. BUT, if I got on that show, I would prance right up to that big scale (which is a fake) and show my rolls for all to see.
So, you see how I'm conflicted about the show? It really doesn't matter, I suppose. I do see those contestants working out and it inspires me to do something. I used to watch and eat. Watching them workout made me really hungry. Now, I sometimes get on my excercise bike and ride during the show. I won't be buying any Extra gum or food scales because of this show...not yet.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
"The" weight gain/loss journey...part 4
In 1991 I started working at this crappy job driving a bus. It was the best/worse decision I've ever made. I would meet my current husband at this job, but the job ruined my back. I had an injury at the job that compacted my spine and has caused permanent damage to my back. Because of this injury, I am not able to walk for very long before the pain causes my legs to go numb. It also just hurts to stand for long or sit for long as well. I am generally in pain most of the time. Only recently have I been able to get exercise and only because I'm just having to fight through the pain. Right after the accident, I started to put on weight from inactivity.
So, this kind of brings me up to today in my journey. I'll probably think of past things as the time goes on, but for now, this is where I am at. As I have said, I have tried MANY different diets. I think it was fate that I would try all of those diets. I've learned different things and have retained some of those habits. For example, I OFTEN break out a Weight Watchers (WW) recipe and fix it at home. This past week alone, I made two of my favorite WW recipes. I still read WW magazine and "sort of" calculate WW points in my head when making food decisions. I also found the Paul McKenna weight loss methods to be useful. I have his book, his DVDs, AND even watched his show on TV. In recent years I have even learned to love the taste of dill pickles, unsweetened tea, and mustard.
The biggest change I've made in my life has occurred recently. As of July 1, 2009 I started going to the gym 3 times per week, for 30 minutes each time. I have faltered 2 weeks. I only went once on those 2 weeks because I have bone spurs in both of my heels and just couldn't stand the pain. It's been slow going because I cannot resist food. Like today. I got up at 5am, was dressed for the gym by 5:25, and in the parking lot of the gym by 5:31. I sat there and sat there. Finally, I gave up and went to McDonalds. I love their breakfast. I ate WAY too much and cried while I did it because of the guilt. When I went to my physical in September, I had only lost 2 pounds in 2 months because of this behavior. I also stopped drinking sodas on February 25. I decided to observe Lent this year and I gave up soda. I had once drank at least four 12 ounce cans of soda per day. I now mostly drink water, tea (mostly unsweetened), very little Crystal Light (I love the lemonade and fruit punch), and the occasional beer or hard cider. I thought I would drop all of this weight, but that did not happen because of my eating habits. I crave all of the wrong foods. That is going to be the next big step for me...eating right.
Now that I have provided a substantial background for everyone, I hope to now do daily updates of what I've eaten, my exercise, and just anything related to my weight. Like I've said, maybe I can learn something from other people and perhaps they can learn something from me. Maybe we can all lose weight together. Maybe others will find strength to solve other problems if they do not have a weight problem. Right now, I am not comfortable enough to write what I weight. I will soon. BUT, I will say that I weight more than most contestants on the Biggest Loser. Don't worry. I will tell you all soon what I weigh. I've set the goal of losing enough weight to run the Charlottesville women's 4 miler Labor Day weekend of 2010. I would also like to run the Virginia Ten Miler at home in Lynchburg on September 25, 2010. My podiatrist is working with me to meet that goal and solve this bone spurs problem. He told me yesterday that I would meet my goal if I keep going to the gym and coming to him. I am also going to be going to my 20 year high school reunion in 2010 as well. I want to feel good about myself and enjoy the reunion while not being over-conscious about my looks. My friends deserve to have my attention on them and not on me.
So, this kind of brings me up to today in my journey. I'll probably think of past things as the time goes on, but for now, this is where I am at. As I have said, I have tried MANY different diets. I think it was fate that I would try all of those diets. I've learned different things and have retained some of those habits. For example, I OFTEN break out a Weight Watchers (WW) recipe and fix it at home. This past week alone, I made two of my favorite WW recipes. I still read WW magazine and "sort of" calculate WW points in my head when making food decisions. I also found the Paul McKenna weight loss methods to be useful. I have his book, his DVDs, AND even watched his show on TV. In recent years I have even learned to love the taste of dill pickles, unsweetened tea, and mustard.
The biggest change I've made in my life has occurred recently. As of July 1, 2009 I started going to the gym 3 times per week, for 30 minutes each time. I have faltered 2 weeks. I only went once on those 2 weeks because I have bone spurs in both of my heels and just couldn't stand the pain. It's been slow going because I cannot resist food. Like today. I got up at 5am, was dressed for the gym by 5:25, and in the parking lot of the gym by 5:31. I sat there and sat there. Finally, I gave up and went to McDonalds. I love their breakfast. I ate WAY too much and cried while I did it because of the guilt. When I went to my physical in September, I had only lost 2 pounds in 2 months because of this behavior. I also stopped drinking sodas on February 25. I decided to observe Lent this year and I gave up soda. I had once drank at least four 12 ounce cans of soda per day. I now mostly drink water, tea (mostly unsweetened), very little Crystal Light (I love the lemonade and fruit punch), and the occasional beer or hard cider. I thought I would drop all of this weight, but that did not happen because of my eating habits. I crave all of the wrong foods. That is going to be the next big step for me...eating right.
Now that I have provided a substantial background for everyone, I hope to now do daily updates of what I've eaten, my exercise, and just anything related to my weight. Like I've said, maybe I can learn something from other people and perhaps they can learn something from me. Maybe we can all lose weight together. Maybe others will find strength to solve other problems if they do not have a weight problem. Right now, I am not comfortable enough to write what I weight. I will soon. BUT, I will say that I weight more than most contestants on the Biggest Loser. Don't worry. I will tell you all soon what I weigh. I've set the goal of losing enough weight to run the Charlottesville women's 4 miler Labor Day weekend of 2010. I would also like to run the Virginia Ten Miler at home in Lynchburg on September 25, 2010. My podiatrist is working with me to meet that goal and solve this bone spurs problem. He told me yesterday that I would meet my goal if I keep going to the gym and coming to him. I am also going to be going to my 20 year high school reunion in 2010 as well. I want to feel good about myself and enjoy the reunion while not being over-conscious about my looks. My friends deserve to have my attention on them and not on me.
Monday, October 12, 2009
"The" weight gain/loss journey...part 3
I started REALLY being interested in boys when I was in high school. I had crushes on boys before that time, but nothing that made me think about a boy ALL of the time. It hit me in ninth grade. I fell in love HARD!! But...he wasn't in love with me. He was a smart, African American kid just like me. He had been a nerdy type when we were in middle school together. I really didn't like him back then. He was mean to me and would do little spiteful things. Then, I found myself thinking about him during the summer before my ninth grade year. Looking back, I was really funny. I would see him outside of school and do the old "ignore him" thing like I was not interested. I would often secretly ride by his house in the hope of seeing him. When we got back to school for our ninth grade year, he was not so awkward. He was actually very cute. I started to desire seeing him all of the time. If we had a class together, I could not concentrate. I was always on the lookout for him in the hallways, out in public, anywhere. In my head, I just knew that he was one of those boys that liked a girl for her mind and wouldn't care about my looks. He was smart and he deserved a smart girlfriend. That was a naive girl's thinking. What I didn't realize at the time was the nature of teenaged boys (and adult men too). They want to fit in and be popular. Even if he had feelings for me, which he didn't, he could not have expressed them. He needed to be popular just like I wanted to be popular and every other teen in America did. Having a fat, smart girlfriend that didn't put-out wasn't going to do that for him. He was just trying to survive like I was. But, at the time, I was hurting. I know that he knew my feelings. The biggest heartbreak was when he started dating. I could only imagine what he did with those girls. The thought that some unworthy girl would be his "first" killed my spirit. There were two moments that sealed my emotional fate with him. I asked him to be my date for my debutant ball and he turned me down. He also lovingly showed up at our senior picture session with his girlfriend (who he had the habit of dressing like). Even though my high school years were the best time of my life, my self esteem was at an extreme low.
The next time I fell in love was quite different from my high school one-sided love. In 1990 I was accepted as a student into the University of Virginia (UVA). The summer before my first year, I was in a program known as the "Summer Prep" program. This was a program designed for "at risk" students. "At risk" meant that we were African Americans, athletes, first generation college students, or some combination of those attributes. My parents did not go to college until I went off to college and I am African American. College life and being away from home were totally new experiences for me. I was homesick that entire summer. This time period was one of the ones in which I lost a significant amount of weight. UVA is a sprawled out campus and walking is the most efficient mode of getting around. That summer, I walked everywhere, ate very little, sweated, cried, and missed my parents. There was one good thing about the program, however. I made friends. This is the hardest part for any college freshman and I had gotten that over with that summer. This is also where I met my second "love". He was a cute, cocky, smart, wealthy boy that knew about golf. At that time, I didn't know any African Americans that knew about golf. He was a smooth talker who often visited the pretty girls that were living in my suite. For the entire summer I disliked him for the qualities that I listed, but I soon saw another side of him. On the very last night of our summer program, he and I were two of the only few students who had not gone home yet. I was standing outside one night when he approached me and started carrying on a conversation. I knew he must have been bored for talking to me at all. The longer he talked the more charming he became. By the end of that night, I saw him as a caring, kind, intelligent man with a big heart. That night would change the entire course of my life.
When we returned back to UVA for the fall semester, I was physically stronger than I was when I got there for Summer Prep. I was happy and full of anticipation for the future. I was ready to study hard, get my degree, graduate, get a great job, and retire by the age of 40. One week into the semester, I had slept through 2 classes, had my first alcoholic beverage, and attended my first fraternity party. During that semester I continued to lose weight. I walked everywhere and ate very little. I was more interested in my "love". He SEEMED to be interested in me too. Again, I didn't understand the nature of some men. He was only interested in me when I was giving him something or giving him myself. I didn't see it at the time. The one good side effect of this relationship was that I continued losing weight. I was at my lowest weight during that time. I have never been a "thin" person. But, I was smaller. However, I was not small enough for him. I soon realized that I was his "secret" friend. I was the person who he hid from others. I wasn't girlfriend material because I was still fat. This relationship went on for 4 years. I spent so much time thinking about and pursuing him that I flunked out of college. That's my fault and I'm not blaming him. I just made REALLY bad decisions and I am still paying for them. Had I gotten my degree, I might have had a successful career and not had the string of unsatisfying jobs that I have had. My fault.
So, why do these two men have so much to do with my weight loss journey? I really don't know. Maybe not at all. But, if I still get emotional about both of them, that tells me something. Maybe it is about the loss of innocence. Maybe it is regret. Maybe it is about wanting to be loved in with this fat body. Maybe it is realizing that I will never be worthy to others because of this body. I don't know. I'm hoping the blog and input from others will help me see if there is a connection.
The next time I fell in love was quite different from my high school one-sided love. In 1990 I was accepted as a student into the University of Virginia (UVA). The summer before my first year, I was in a program known as the "Summer Prep" program. This was a program designed for "at risk" students. "At risk" meant that we were African Americans, athletes, first generation college students, or some combination of those attributes. My parents did not go to college until I went off to college and I am African American. College life and being away from home were totally new experiences for me. I was homesick that entire summer. This time period was one of the ones in which I lost a significant amount of weight. UVA is a sprawled out campus and walking is the most efficient mode of getting around. That summer, I walked everywhere, ate very little, sweated, cried, and missed my parents. There was one good thing about the program, however. I made friends. This is the hardest part for any college freshman and I had gotten that over with that summer. This is also where I met my second "love". He was a cute, cocky, smart, wealthy boy that knew about golf. At that time, I didn't know any African Americans that knew about golf. He was a smooth talker who often visited the pretty girls that were living in my suite. For the entire summer I disliked him for the qualities that I listed, but I soon saw another side of him. On the very last night of our summer program, he and I were two of the only few students who had not gone home yet. I was standing outside one night when he approached me and started carrying on a conversation. I knew he must have been bored for talking to me at all. The longer he talked the more charming he became. By the end of that night, I saw him as a caring, kind, intelligent man with a big heart. That night would change the entire course of my life.
When we returned back to UVA for the fall semester, I was physically stronger than I was when I got there for Summer Prep. I was happy and full of anticipation for the future. I was ready to study hard, get my degree, graduate, get a great job, and retire by the age of 40. One week into the semester, I had slept through 2 classes, had my first alcoholic beverage, and attended my first fraternity party. During that semester I continued to lose weight. I walked everywhere and ate very little. I was more interested in my "love". He SEEMED to be interested in me too. Again, I didn't understand the nature of some men. He was only interested in me when I was giving him something or giving him myself. I didn't see it at the time. The one good side effect of this relationship was that I continued losing weight. I was at my lowest weight during that time. I have never been a "thin" person. But, I was smaller. However, I was not small enough for him. I soon realized that I was his "secret" friend. I was the person who he hid from others. I wasn't girlfriend material because I was still fat. This relationship went on for 4 years. I spent so much time thinking about and pursuing him that I flunked out of college. That's my fault and I'm not blaming him. I just made REALLY bad decisions and I am still paying for them. Had I gotten my degree, I might have had a successful career and not had the string of unsatisfying jobs that I have had. My fault.
So, why do these two men have so much to do with my weight loss journey? I really don't know. Maybe not at all. But, if I still get emotional about both of them, that tells me something. Maybe it is about the loss of innocence. Maybe it is regret. Maybe it is about wanting to be loved in with this fat body. Maybe it is realizing that I will never be worthy to others because of this body. I don't know. I'm hoping the blog and input from others will help me see if there is a connection.
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