Not too long ago, I posted that I was not going to pursue the weight loss or anything else anymore. I should probably expose a little of myself to everyone. I have a habit of "falling apart" and then picking myself up again. The post I wrote on this blog was a good example of that. I have to be at the lowest and wallow in self pity for a little while before I finally get myself together and move on. I can remember back in 2001 when I went back to college to get my bachelor's degree. Things weren't working out well on the very first night of class and I called home to my mother and father crying. I just knew that I wasn't meant to get a degree. I told them that I wasn't going back. My mom just let me have my crying fit. Then I went to bed. She tried to call me back that night and I had already gone to bed (at 7pm). She thought I had done something to myself, but I was just so upset that I needed to sleep (my way of avoiding life). The next morning, after I listened to my mom's message, I called her. Before she said a word, I reassured her that I was going to stay in school no matter what and that I wasn't going to give up. I eventually went on to get a Bachelor's in Business Administration, a Master's in Business Administration, start on a PhD in Organizational Leadership, and almost complete (I will graduate in May 2010) my Master of Science in Accounting. I just have a habit of reacting in a rash way.
This brings me to today. I had to fall apart about this whole job schedule changing thing. I think the true nature of my displeasure with this job goes beyond and deeper than just the job. True, I do not like my job duties. I am not passionate about what I am doing on a daily basis. I feel empty at work. But, I think my true reason for hating the job is my anger at myself for my failures in life. Had I completed my college education at UVA right out of high school, I likely be financially set by now. Instead, I'm relying on my parents and a miserable part-time job for money. I'm mad with myself and I don't know how to move on from that. Sometimes when I get mad with myself, I will self-deprecate. I also do not like feeling like I have no control. I don't have control over what my job duties will be or my hours or anything related to my job. So, that blog about giving up was where that came from. I was feeling down and thinking that I was not worth anything other than misery. I deserve to be at a miserable job and being fat because I'm a bad or worthless person. I messed up in the past and I deserve to be messed up my entire life and fail at every turn. I need to stop thinking that way, but I don't know how.
I decided that I don't want to give up on myself yet. I am going to start getting up in the mornings again to go to the gym. I really do want to run next year. I've lost one month due to my self- pity. I need to pick it up if I am going to do this. I am also going to work on the blog some more and get some pictures up so we all can document my progress (yes, there will be progress). I've also decided to join Weight Watchers (WW)again. I have had success with the WW program in the past. I just found out on Monday that my employer offers an on-site WW program. It is offered in 17 week increments at a reduced rate. If I do not miss more than 3 meetings my company will reimbursement me 50% of the 17 week meeting fees. That will come out to less than $6 per meeting. The program may not start until after the new year (depends on them getting enough people to join), so I am going to start working on my nutrition on my own until then. Being the frugal person I am, I think the financial incentive of this deal will make me go each week instead of giving up after 2 or 3 weeks. AND, the meeting meets in the building across from my office during work hours. I would rather be in a WW meeting than at my job any day.
I just have to dig deep into every part of my being and get my inspiration. I need to just relax, take a deep breath, and just do it. I want to run races. I AM going to run races.
