I hope the new year is going well for everyone. I'm having my usual ups and downs. I went to the gym yesterday and ate half of my Weight Watchers points for the day. Then there was this morning. It's amazing how much damage I can do within a few mere minutes. I got up this morning at 5:15am, went to the gym, worked out, immediately headed to McDonalds, and undid everything. Good grief!!!! I ate all of my daily Weight Watchers points in one meal. I was uncontrolable. I actually sat in my car with my head down on my steering wheel crying before I went into the gym. I wasn't going to go in at all. You see, yesterday my usual Nu Step machine was dirty. I used the one beside it. When I looked up there was a mirror in front of me. I almost had a panic attack. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror AT ALL. I certainly didn't want to see myself all flushed and sweating. All if could think about yesterday was how I was this big blob on a machine, barely moving, yet sweating, and getting nowhere. I see the other people at the gym moving so gracefully and purposefully and I get so jealous. I have always wanted to be an athletic person. Here's a little secret. I love watching people's muscles move. Not in some kinky, sick, freaky way. I love to see people's skin over their muscles and they way it all works like a machine. I don't like to see bones though. I can't really explain it. It's just so different from what I see in the mirror...fat, no visible muscle, weakness.
It is becoming pretty obvious that I am my own worst enemy. How do I stop that? How do I learn to love myself enough to stay away from fast food? How do I learn to value myself enough to do "good"? I don't how to do this and I don't know where it all went wrong? It certainly is not because of my upbringing. My parents and grandmothers all treat(ed) me like a queen. My grandmother once told my Daddy that I was treated better than the President's daughter. It's so true. Maybe being treated so well and having everything given to me did something. Maybe I feel like I don't have a reason or the strength to change. I don't know. Need to do some thinking.
