The gym and me

   Since July 2009, I've been going to the gym. It's still weird for me to write or say that phrase..."going to the gym" or "go to the gym". I think of myself and see myself in the mirror and don't think of me as someone who "goes to the gym". But, I am and I do. When I started in July, I had so many mixed emotions about it. I have been a fan of the Biggest Loser since its first season. I started going to casting calls and sending in video audition DVDs back a seasons ago. I've waited in line with hundreds of other people for hours in the heat, in the cold, and in the rain. Each time I've gone I've suffered an immediate feeling of rejection and depression. The first few casting calls I went to, I was the largest person there. At that time, the show was not taking someone as heavy as me. I went to the casting calls anyway. I was determined to charm them and convince them that someone my size could not only make the show interesting, but actually be able to do the challenges and exercises. No matter what persona I attack the casting calls at, they have not selected me. After each casting call (and through streams of tears) I vowed to lose weight before the next casting call I would attend. I have been able to keep that promise to myself. Each time I've gone to a casting call, I have weighed at least one pound lighter than the previous time.
     At the beginning of 2009, I decided that I was not going to wait around much longer for the Biggest Loser people to come to their senses and select me. I had to wait until July 2009 to take advantage of my employer's gym membership benefit. I decided that I wanted to join ACAC. They have one location about 5 minutes from my apartment and about 3 minutes from my job. I figured that would encourage me to go. I filled out my paperwork for the membership in mid-June. My membership would start on Wednesday July 1. On the evening of Tuesday, June 30, I went by the gym to "prep" myself for the next day. I explained to the membership coordinator that I was new to the gym and that I was going to be there the next morning. I wanted to know what to do so I could get started immediately. She was so nice. Based on my level of activity and my painful spurs, she recommended starting off on the Nu Step machine. It is a recumbent stepper. It does the arm and leg motion of a stepper, while sitting down and thus not putting as much pressure on the legs. The Nu Step can be set to provide more resistance and therefore giving a similar effect to walking on an incline. I tried out the machine that night. I had decided that I would go to the gym 3 times per week for 30 minutes each time. I had read that this was a good way to start and would actually help my body. At 5:30am on July 1, 2009 I started going to the gym. That first morning, one of the employees showed me how the exercise bikes worked as well. But, the Nu Step machine has been my primary form of exercise at the gym. In October and November 2009 I hardly ever went to the gym because my spurs hurt so badly that I could barely walk most days. The journey has been a tough one with the pain, but I'm still going to the gym (although not the 3 times per week).
    One day I was sitting at work and decided that I would like to try some of the other things my gym has to offer. I LOVE my gym. They have physical therapy and a spa as well. They have a pool and every piece of equipment imaginable. Most of the classes are free with a membership. AND, they have 3 locations that I can use. I see people working out and I want to so badly to be able to do the things I see them doing. I decided to inquire about the "Big Changes" program. For 8 weeks a personal trainer works with our group of 5 women to help us come up with an exercise and nutrition program. I do not need the nutrition part because I am going through the Weight Watchers program. We meet one night per week to work out. The trainer has also met with us each individually to set up a circuit we can do at the gym and at home. We should be doing the circuit at least 2 times per week outside of our weekly meeting. I've been doing it during the Biggest Loser commercial breaks. I also do them periodically during the week.
   I need to set a solid goal (not Solid Gold...HA!!!) for myself. I should get back to going to the gym three times per week and do my exercises at home each night. That is doable for me.

Being snowed in

   If you don't live on the East coast, you've probably heard that we recently had a great deal of snow here in Virginia. I don't handle winter weather well at all. When I was a kid my mother and I went over a bank sideways in her car during a snow event. Since that time, I panic when it snows, ices, or gets cold. I want to move out of this state and to somewhere in which it rarely if ever snows during winter months. I'm working on that. Anyway, being snowed in causes me all kinds of problems. I panic watching the snow fall and start to feel anxious. The anxiety makes me want to eat. I eat more when I'm snowed in than I do on an average day. It's less about boredom than anxiety for me.  I have already decided that I'm not going to weigh in at Weight Watchers this week. I don't want to spend the entire week worrying about the damage I did this past weekend. I'm heading to the gym today after work. The gym was not open this morning so I was not able to get in an early workout. So far, I've had 2 mugs of hot unsweetened green tea and a soyjoy bar. I forgot to make plans for dinner tonight, therefore I will have to get fast food tonight. I haven't had fast food in 11 days. I feel guilty, but I hope I can make a good choice when I do go out to eat.

Keep on keeping on

     This past Thursday, I went to Weight Watchers. I wasn't scared or nervous this time. I decided this past week that I would focus on losing one pound per week. One pound. Establishing this goal, makes it seem more "doable" to me. This is also considered a "safe" weight loss. AND, if I do indeed lose at this rate that would be 52 pounds at the end of a year. That's not too bad. At least I would be going in the right direction. Anything over the 1 pound per week, would just be icing on the cake. So, it was with this new goal that I went into last week. I think I have started a morning ritual that is helping me too. I get to work early and make a 14 ounce mug of hot, unsweetened green tea each morning. It is something about the warm drink and being forced to take my time drinking it (or get burned) that comforts me. It's become so enjoyable that I've been drinking about 3- 14 ounce servings at work during the day. On the days I go to the gym in the mornings, I'm also drinking a 16.9 ounce bottle of water while working out. I also drink a 16.9 ounce bottle of water during my lunch and another one for dinner. I think this increase in water consumption has helped me some. I've been cutting back on my portions too. I have not been going to the gym as I should and could. That will be my focus this week. For the past 2 weeks, I've been going 2 times per week... one day in the morning for one hour and then on Thursday nights for one hour. I hope to get back to the gym for at least 3 mornings this week in addition to my training session on Thursday night. This week I have a private training session on Tuesday afternoon. I have also been doing exercises at home during the Biggest Loser commercials. In a perfect world, I would go every morning and every day after work as well as the weekends. I'm building up to that and I KNOW it will be that way someday.
   So, what did my efforts this week show on the scale at my Weight Watchers meeting? I lost 2.4 pounds. In the past 7 weeks on the program I have lost 8.2 pounds. From my highest weight to my current weight, I am down about 36 pounds. I'm not going to stop and I'm just going to keep on going.

Slow and steady...oh, and Twilight

    I went to my weekly Weight Watchers meeting today. I'll get to those results in a minute.
    For some reason, I have not been "myself" this week. Maybe it was due to my new, weird obsession with the Twilight series. My husband keeps making fun of me because it is "for teenagers". I don't see it quite that way. Literature is literature. And, I like, what I like. So there. I have been compelled to actually be quiet and sit still each night (with no TV on) to read. I haven't enjoyed a book this much since The Number One Ladies Detective Agency series. I'm on the third book, Eclipse, right now. At the same time I've been reading the paper version of the books, I also read the partial copy of Midnight Sun that Stephenie Meyer has on her website. It's such a shame she has not been inspired to complete that project. I can understand her frustration at the project's leaking. It would feel like someone had violated a great trust to reveal your incomplete work. HOWEVER, she must understand that there is a fan base out there that appreciates her work no matter the situations behind it all. The leaking of the project has implications that she must consider. First, of all, whomever leaked the work KNOWS the importance of the Twilight phenomenon. This betrayal can actually be considered a compliment. Secondly, the interest fans have shown in reading the leaked material shows the devotion WE have to the story. The books take us to a place we would NEVER have privy to in reality. It has absolutely fascinated me that this story has been in her head and she was able to put it on paper. I have also tried to think about Twilight's success from another perspective. Perhaps, in its infancy, Stephenie Meyer did not think this series would be THIS popular. That must be a lot pressure. Particularly, if she wants to move on to other projects and her fans do not want her to. AND, the pressure to create something as wonderful as Twilight will always be a stress to her. Anyway, I read online today that Stephenie Meyer is working on a graphic novel version of the series. I hope her heart will soften to the idea of completing the Midnight Sun project and maybe go back and tell each book from Edward's perspective (I don't want the series to ever end, can you tell?).  My hope is that she will work on this project and be inspired to at least complete Midnight Sun...for us fans.
    OK. Enough about that. So, this past week (like I said before) I was kind of "out of it". It was a weird "feeling" week. I was off from work on Friday for Lee Jackson day and on Monday for Martin Luther King Day. My aunt (my mom's oldest sister) died last week and her funeral was on Saturday. My mother's birthday was also on Saturday. I think it was the combination of these things (along with Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse) that made the week have a lingering air of strangeness to it. Things were "unusual" and my brain knew that. I was even only vaguely interested in the Biggest Loser last night. I went my training session last Thursday and was given some exercises to do at home at 2 times before we will meet tonight. I did them twice over the weekend. I only went to the gym once this week. But, I also didn't feel much like eating this week. The end result was a 3 pound loss on the scale. I have gone to 6 Weight Watchers meetings in a row now. That's a record for me. I hope to be more focused this week and have more purpose to my weight loss actions. I don't know HOW to accomplish that, but I will try.

To weigh or not to weigh

   Yesterday was my Weight Watchers meeting at work. As I had written, I didn't know if I was going to weigh in or not. I was strongly leading towards NOT weighing in, but was trying desperately to trick my mind into thinking that I didn't have the option not to.  I left my office for the weigh-in at around noon. The meetings are in the office across the parking lot from mine. I felt like I was going to the gas chamber or somewhere equally as unpleasant as that. I stopped on the way to pick up the mail for my office. When I got into the meeting room, there were maybe 5 others there standing in line waiting to be weighed. I sat down and for some bizarre reason started rubbing my fingers roughly over the plastic of the Ziploc bag that I keep my Weight Watchers materials in. It was like rubbing on that plastic would make something change. Then I had the overwhelming feeling of sickness. It was like I was some invisible hand was reaching into my stomach and twisting my intestines into a knot. I was all of a sudden really aware that there were other people there and they might be watching me like I'm some kind of freak. It was a surreal moment like you see in movies. When I looked up the two ladies that always talk to me each meeting (I couldn't tell you their names if you offered me a million dollars), were motioning for me to get in line. For a second I was pissed off. We don't HAVE to weigh in each week. I was feeling pressured. BUT, I had to make a decision or the line would be too long and my decision would be based on that and my impatience. I decided that I would sign the sign-in sheet and ask the meeting leader what to do if we do not want to weigh in. I went into my little plastic bag and got out my weigh-in booklet. I figured she would have to write something in there to make sure I was counted present. She hands us weekly materials for the meeting, so I had to go up to her anyway. I signed the sheet, grabbed my weigh-in folder, and stood in line behind the 3 people who were waiting. I was still thinking and felt really awkward. I remember looking down at the carpet and noticing the tiny intricate pattern that may or may not have been there only by coincidence. In no time it was my time at the front of the line. I plopped down my little weigh-in folder down in front of her. I told her that I didn't think I was going to weigh in. She asked if there was a reason I thought I had done so badly. I felt like I was going to cry. I really did. I could see that pool of water building up over my eyeballs and distorting her face. The tears never ran down my cheeks, but they were actually impairing my vision at that point. All I could think about was my trip to Northern Virginia this past weekend. The Big Bowl, the Red Robin, the Wegman's Asain wokery, the eggs and sausage every morning at the hotel complete with salsa, cheese, and sour cream. I swear this next part. I DO NOT remember taking my shoes off, stepping on the scale, or what I said or what she said or what went through my mind or anything. The next thing I clearly remembered was sitting down and the girl beside me asking me about the lunch I bring to the meetings each week. Right before the meeting started, I opened up the weigh-in book and saw my weight for the week. I had lost 2 pounds. Instead of being happy, I was numb.
   This experience really scared me. Not because of the weigh-in, but because of my reaction to it. I got so worked up about it that I don't even remember half of what happened. That's not good. Where was my brain at that moment and what was it doing? When I started this program, I resolved that I would get on the scale no matter what I thought the outcome would be. I knew I would have to monitor my every bite because it would show up on the scale at a later time. What I didn't expect was to be so upset because of all of this. I've been to four or five meetings now. In the past I would have quit by now. Maybe that is what is scaring me. I never know when I'll just give up. I'm waiting for me to realize that something is right...or wrong...get scared and run. I don't really know how to be a new or different Wendy. I just know how to be fat, limited, quitter, unhappy, Wendy. I know how to quit...very well. I know how to avoid...very well. I know how to be depressed...very well. I know how to PRETEND to be happy...very well. I don't know how to be deal with my emotions at all. It's like all of a sudden I can't use food to cover up what I really feel and I'm scared of it. That leaves me very exposed because I don't know what else to do when I get happy, or sad, or nervous, or scared.
   This journey is going to be impossibly long.

The track...on and off

   I have a favorite song from the 80s by a group called the Breakfast Club. The song is called "Right on Track". I love that song, not only for its musicality, but for the video. There are these women in the video dressed up like chickens and dancing. They have on deep red lipstick too. Now, as we all know chickens cannot dance and they totally don't have lips to put lipstick on. But, I think it is funny to think of what our world would be like if these dancing, lipstick wearing chickens really existed. A better one, I think.
  The point of that little story is that the song makes me think about my weight loss journey. I'm constantly getting back on track. AND, it is very rarely that I am "right on track".  I often sing that song to myself when I had a good day and do everything right. It's the hope that I am "right on track" or on the right track that inspires me. Then I go and mess it up by doing or eating something stupid. I'm so incredibly flawed. I often wonder if maybe my brain isn't wired all jacked up. Like I'm missing something up there that allows me to resist the things that are bad for me. If I'm creating my own problems, I seem to be plagued by natural ones. I may never find what will make me complete and "ok".
  I go to my Weight Watchers meeting today at noon. I'm not going to weigh this week. Unless, I get some bravery between now and then, I'm just not going to do it. This is so typically me. I avoid the truth at every chance I get. My weight is what it is right now. Not knowing isn't going to change it or make it go away. Maybe I can rationalize it all before noon and go on and do it. I know what I did this past week and that it will show up on the scale. But, who does it matter to more than to me? So, why not know? If I had a tumor, I would want to know so I could get it taken care of. Not knowing isn't making the problem better, right? For the past 2 weeks, I've had the most tumultuous Thursdays. This is where I usually give up and coward away resolved that I will never change. Can I convince myself to weigh today?

Fat, Sugar, and Salt...oh my!

   I hope the new year is going well for everyone. I'm having my usual ups and downs. I went to the gym yesterday and ate half of my Weight Watchers points for the day. Then there was this morning. It's amazing how much damage I can do within a few mere minutes. I got up this morning at 5:15am, went to the gym, worked out, immediately headed to McDonalds, and undid everything. Good grief!!!! I ate all of my daily Weight Watchers points in one meal. I was uncontrolable. I actually sat in my car with my head down on my steering wheel crying before I went into the gym. I wasn't going to go in at all. You see, yesterday my usual Nu Step machine was dirty. I used the one beside it. When I looked up there was a mirror in front of me. I almost had a panic attack. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror AT ALL. I certainly didn't want to see myself all flushed and sweating. All if could think about yesterday was how I was this big blob on a machine, barely moving, yet sweating, and getting nowhere. I see the other people at the gym moving so gracefully and purposefully and I get so jealous. I have always wanted to be an athletic person. Here's a little secret. I love watching people's muscles move. Not in some kinky, sick, freaky way. I love to see people's skin over their muscles and they way it all works like a machine. I don't like to see bones though. I can't really explain it. It's just so different from what I see in the mirror...fat, no visible muscle, weakness.
   It is becoming pretty obvious that I am my own worst enemy. How do I stop that? How do I learn to love myself enough to stay away from fast food? How do I learn to value myself enough to do "good"? I don't how to do this and I don't know where it all went wrong? It certainly is not because of my upbringing. My parents and grandmothers all treat(ed) me like a queen. My grandmother once told my Daddy that I was treated better than the President's daughter. It's so true. Maybe being treated so well and having everything given to me did something. Maybe I feel like I don't have a reason or the strength to change. I don't know. Need to do some thinking.

The truth is hard to face

  I had my Weight Watchers meeting today. Well, actually it is going on as I write. Our meeting got relocated to another conference room and it was so hot and cramped that I could not tolerate it. I debated and debated over the past few days about whether I would weigh in or not. Why would have this debate you ask? I know what I ate over the holidays. I was BAD!!!! I ate more than I would on a regular day. Most holidays I don't eat much, but I lay around a lot. This year I did both. Long story short...I GAINED 3.4 pounds over the past 3 weeks. Let see. What does that 3.4 pounds represent during those 3 weeks? Here are some memorable dishes. The delicious fruitcake my daddy makes. The awesome hermit cake he also makes. My mother-in-law's scrumptious rum cake. My mother-in-law's heavenly country ham. My sister-in-law's delightful parmesan stuffed dates wrapped in bacon. My sister-in-law's delightful oreo cookie treats. My mom's tantalizingly moist turkey (which later made amazing turkey sandwiches with white bread and Miracle Whip...3 at a time).  My mom's sinful spiral ham. My decadent cream cheese filled pumpkin muffins. My dad's comforting oyster stew. The 4 Apple Uglies. The Big 'N Tasty with cheese and the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese from McDonalds. The Swiss Colony cheeses. And, that's not all. Then there was the Cheeseburger in Paradise episode...an order of conch fritters with dipping sauce, 90% of my husband's order of fried dill pickles with dipping sauce, an order of teriyaki string beans, a HUGE burger with 2 kinds of cheese, 3 glasses of sweetened black tea, and one fruity mixed drink. There was also halves of 2 different kinds of pizza (that means one whole pizza) from Mellow Mushroom, the 3 BBQ pork sandwiches with cole slaw and a half bag of cheddar sour cream chips, and the 24 chicken wings at Buffalo Wild Wings. That was the holiday for me. That was just the itty bitty tip of the iceberg. Sad. So sad.
    Ok. Now what? I learned something very important from this holiday experience. I have a SERIOUS problem with food. DUH!!! If you asked me how many times I was actually hungry when I ate all of this stuff, the answer would probably be around 30-40% of the time. Now, I just have to take a deep breath and head in the right direction.  This week, I've gone to the gym 3 times for 45 minutes each time on the Nu Step machine. The lady in charge of the training program at my gym delayed our sessions until next Thursday. I will start that program next week. I will also be starting 2 different yoga classes the week of January 18. I was a little proud of myself for even going to that Weight Watchers meeting today. It was a personal triumph. You see, in the past, I have always (for some strange reason) started the Weight Watchers programs before the holidays. I would also feel so ashamed of my holiday weight gains that I would either never show up to another meeting or go to find out what I weighed and THEN stop going. But, this year I went and WILL continue to go no matter the results.

Same things in a different way

   Last night was the premiere of the Biggest Loser: Season 9. Of course, I was watching intently. I had to just let my negative feelings about the show go and just give in. I still would LOVE to be on that show. I'm thinking casting calls for season 11 will be sometime in February or March. I'm hoping they will try for a Virginia location again. My first casting call was in Suffolk, VA back in March 2008. They still have not found a contestant from Virginia to be on the ranch. But, I'm losing weight on my own, so they may miss their chance. I made a promise to myself that with each casting call I go to, I will be thinner than the previous one. Thus far, I have kept that promise.

   I have watched every season of the Biggest Loser. It's a cry-fest for me. I hear the contestants stories and they reflect my own story. As Jillian Michaels said last night, when someone gets to the Biggest Loser ranch they are at their lowest. I believe that. As someone who is willing to put on a sports bra and biker shorts, stand in front of the nation, and tell them what their weight is, I know what low is. But, I'm not exactly at the lowest. I was at the lowest between January 2007 and June 2009. My weight was at its highest and my morale was at its lowest. It's starting to slowly turn around for me. The funny part is, I have no clue what caused me to be so low or what has caused me to improve. I'm moving on though. As part of moving on, I decided to use the Biggest Loser in a different way last night. Back a few seasons ago, my husband and I would watch the show and eat snacks. Watching them exercise used to make me really hungry for some reason. The past two seasons, my husband has been working during the Biggest Loser and didn't watch the show with me. I would do chores during the show and play on the computer. Bob and Jillian have said many times that during commercial breaks, viewers should do exercises. Well, last night, I gave it a try. I have a set of 5 pound weights and a resistance band beside the couch. Back in January of 2008 I started lifting light 3 pound weights while I watched TV. I did this for all of 2008. In January 2009, I moved up to 5 pound weights and bought the resistance bands. I stuck with it for about a month and then quit. Last night I dusted the weights and bands off and started "working out" during the commercials. I can laugh about it now because it is over, but you never realize how many commercials there are during a show and how long they are. If I had been doing laundry or going to the bathroom or something, I'd have to rush to get back before a show started up after the commercials. Not last night. It seemed like the commercials would never end. During one commercial break, I even did some wall pushups (standing up and pushing against a wall instead of getting on the floor...same motion and form as a traditional pushup, only standing up instead) like Bob suggested last year on the Biggest Loser. By the end of that commercial break I was out of breath, sweating, and my arms were quivering. At the end of the two hour premier, I was exhausted!! That's sad. Anyway, I feel like I actually did something good for my body. I woke up feeling great this morning and my 45 minute workout at the gym on the Nu Step machine breezed by. Now I just have to watch what I eat today. So far, I've had my vitamins, one banana, and a mug of hot unsweetened green tea.  My fingers are crossed that I can be good for the rest of the day.

New year, new perspective

Happy new year to all!!!! I hope it was a restful holiday season for everyone. I also hope that we all have recharged our "batteries" and are ready to meet our individual goals for the new year. I have always hated the idea of resolutions. I always felt that it was useless to wait until January 1 to make a change. I suppose it is one of the reasons why I joined the gym in July and started Weight Watchers in November. I also tend to "start" new things on May 15 (my birthday). To me my birthday is the start of my year. But, this year I feel like I want to celebrate this whole tradition of making a resolution. My resolutions are more like goals. I am going to the gym at least 3 days per week for 30 minutes each time. I am going to go to all of my Weight Watchers meetings even if I didn't do well during the week (I can go and not weigh in). I am going to write on my blog at least 3 times per week.

Now that I've written those resolutions/goals, I'm realizing something. I am afraid to commit to making significant changes. If I were not scared of failing, I would have said that I am going to the gym everyday for 45 minutes or more. I would have said that I am going to go to the gym 3 or more times per week in the afternoons after work. I would have said that I am going to lose a specific amount of weight before the end of the year. I would have committed to writing on the blog each and every day. I'm so accustomed to failure that I no longer "set the bar" high. I hope that I am just able to do the minimum. I need to challenge myself more in the new year.

Day by day

   Well, last night was the finale for The Biggest Loser. Each season, I usually get all excited about it and can't wait for it to come on. This time, there was a really "blah" feeling about it. I think I get disappointed in the show sometimes. Don't get me wrong. If I had the chance to leave my life for a while and go on the show to lose weight, I totally would. I just see that it's kind of the same every year. People who were sent home earlier, generally don't lose as much weight. How could you really make a huge change if you only had a week or two of guidance on a problem that took years to create? People who were at the ranch longer, lose more weight. Duh! Let's see what else? On air marriage proposal...check. Contestants who starve themselves to win the money...check. Last person on the scale winning (except for last season)...check. Confetti...check. Blah, blah, blah.
   I think the biggest source of my feelings about the show is about inspiration. My source of inspiration has shifted. I am becoming my own inspiration. My heels are having some days when they actually feel tolerable. On those days, I move around more. I went to the gym this past Monday morning. My feet hurt worse in the mornings, so I'm hoping to start going after work soon. I started walking to the neighboring building to get the mail during work each day for a little more exercise (and because I get impatient waiting for anyone else to volunteer to do it).  I walk around in the office more as well.
   Last Thursday (December 3, 2009), our Weight Watchers (WW) meeting officially started here at work. It was our first official weigh-in for the 19 week program. As usual, I'm the biggest person there. We had an information session on November 19. I stayed after the meeting and had the meeting leader weigh me. I will not say my weight (I'm still not comfortable enough yet to do that). I had lost 10 pounds since my physical in September. We did not have a meeting the next week because of the Thanksgiving holiday.  So, last week was the start of the program. When I weighed, I had lost 3 pounds over the two weeks. I had not been going to the gym and had been off of my feet most of the time because of the spurs. I don't know what I did to lose the 3 pounds. Back in January 2007 was the last time I tried WW. From my highest lifetime weight in January 2007 until last Thursday, I have lost 27 pounds. That may not be "biggest loser numbers", but at least I'm heading in the right direction. I also have to believe that those are 27 pounds that will be gone forever because I took my time to lose them. They are the result of a little more physical activity and not drinking sodas since February.
  The biggest challenge for me with the WW program are my own faulty eating habits.  I do this "thing" with eating. I will go a good portion of the day without eating and then be starving by 4pm and ready to catch up on my food intake. I eat all of my calories between 4pm and 10pm. I have tried to stop this behavior, but have been unsuccessful. So, WW will be a test for me in this area. This past week I ate sparingly during the day and still "pig out" at dinner time. I have, however, managed to stay within my points allotment on the program each day. Two times I went out for fast food because I was craving fatty foods. I feel so out of control.
  I hope I can just get up the energy and feel well enough to get back to the gym regularly. I miss going. It was my time to sweat, listen to music, read, and just be left alone in my own little world. It is a good way to start the day. If I could get the eating and the exercise to harmonize, life would be good.
  I almost forgot, I promise to take the time to start putting up pictures on the blog so anyone who is reading can see my progress.

Mental blocks

     I'm trying to desperately figure out the root of my weight issues. I'm having a really hard time with this. It all started last night. I was watching the Biggest Loser last night. I see them crying and happy about the changes in their bodies and I start to think that could be me. I get inspired and swear that I'm going to go to the gym the next day. I swear that I'm going to eat right. I cry and make these empty promised to myself. Then the next morning I DON'T go to the gym and I don't eat anything until around 4 or 5pm.
   This brings me to my mental blocks. I'm trying to figure out why I WANT to lose weight, but my actions reflect something totally opposite. I once set a goal to run the Virginia Ten Miler in September 2010 as well as the Charlottesville Women's Four Miler. My husband has even made preliminary arrangements to go on a weight-loss celebratory trip to Florida. That says to me that he has faith that I'm serious and going to lose the weight and run my races. I don't know what happened in my head somewhere after Oct 5. I keep on saying that it is because I started the new job hours on Oct 7. But, if I want something bad enough, I would do it. By the way, this past Monday I did not go to the gym after work. I was too tired. I have been terribly depressed since my heels have limited my walking. But, again, if I wanted to meet this goal (which would help me meet other goals) I would ge in that gym and eating correctly no matter what. So, what is keeping me from doing it? I have noticed that I am afraid to get on new equipment and try new things in the gym. I think I'm going to see how much a personal trainer would be at my gym. Maybe if someone was waiting for me to come to the gym, I'd go back.
   I really don't know what my problem is. Every day I live is another chance to change my course, but I just don't. Why? What is holding me back? If I could lose weight, I could free myself from much of my mental anguish. I could live out my dreams. How can I lose the mental "weight" that is holding me back?

Dusting myself off

   It has been nearly one month since I last posted about my weight loss journey. There has been a legitimate reason for the delay. As I have previously posted, since August 2008, I have been suffering from a heel spur problem. It started in August 2008 with a little pain in my right heel maybe once per month. It has progressed to excrutiating pain in both heels.  I have spurs on both heels. I was seeing one doctor, but felt that I would like to explore the services of another doctor. I just wanted to see what another doctor may suggest. About 3 weeks ago I went to another doctor for platelet rich plasma therapy (PRP) on both of my heels. I have been in so much pain from the treatment that I have had little mobility. Walking has become a near impossibility. On Thanksgiving day I decided to do some more in depth research on this spur problem...causes, treatments, etc. I read in a number of places online that spurs can possibly be a direct result of eating habits. Some people have found relief from spurs by taking increased calcium and magnesium. I started taking the suggested 1,500 mg of calcium (via the ever-fun Vitafusion gummies) and 750mg of magnesium. I also read that apple cider vinegar (ACV) may help. I've been taking ACV with "the mother" for a while now, but in too low a dose. Anyway, long story short, today my feet were pain-free enough that I was able to resume my gym regime. I was there at 5:45am this morning. I decided that if I were able to start going again, I would also go after work at 3:45pm. So, after work I will be there. I need to make up for 2 months worth of slacking. I just need the pain to stay away. I don't TRULY know what made the pain go away slightly today. I hope it is the supplements and that it will eventually go completely away. I still want to run in September 2010. Maybe it was all of the praying my family and I have been doing that made today possible.

Decisions

   In my last blog I was discussing my frustrations over my lack of ability to "life multi-task". This morning I made a decision. I cannot focus on more than one thing at a time and do anything well. In order for me to get to work, on time, every day, I have to let everything else go. This week I will be working 46 hours. Next week I will be working 43 hours. The week after that I will be working 52 hours. I know my limits. I will not be able to work a full work week, bowl, go to the gym, do housework, and go to tax class. Therefore, I'm just going to give up everything but the working. Unfortunately, at this time, I HAVE to work. I haven't been able to get another job with the hours I desire. The choice is to either screw up at this job and do extra curricular activities OR drop everything else and do the job correctly. I'm just going to go to work on time, cook dinners each night, and go to bed to get to work the next morning. I don't see this changing anytime soon. So, that's my life.

Bad habits...a good example

    In the introduction to my weight gain/loss journey I explained that I have a hard time "life multi-tasking".  I have a good real-time example of that. In July 2007 I started the job that I am currently at. I started going back to school in September 2006 to earn my master's in accounting. From September 2006 until July 2007 I was unemployed and strictly going to school. I enjoyed that time period. My parents agreed to help me with my bills as along as I was going to school. I soon realized that the amount they were able to help me with wasn't enough to cover all of my bills. I started looking for a job to supplement my "income". In July 2007, I found the perfect job for that. I was working about 24 hours per week. The schedule was odd (Mondays off, alternating half days on Tuesday afternoons and alternating half days on Saturday mornings), but I learned to live with it and enjoyed having the time off all day on Mondays and Tuesdays (except for the alternating half days). I had enough money to pay the bills and have some fun and the time to do it. I took care of housework, run errands, and went to any doctors appointments on Mondays. I went to water aerobics on Tuesday mornings. I was seeing significant improvements in my flexibility and my arthritis. I was also getting a lot of rest on Mondays and Tuesdays. I have sleep apnea and am unable to use my CPAP machine. So, for now, getting a lot of sleep on Mondays and Tuesdays is the only way I can make it through a week. I noticed (as well as other people) that I looked younger and happier. I was getting rest and life was good. On Monday nights I have my bowling league. On Tuesday and Thursday nights I have tax class. I was getting out, getting active, and meeting new people. I have taken some time out of school to rest, but would be resuming classes in late October and finishing up in May 2010 as scheduled. AND, let's not forget that I was going to the gym 3 days per week at 5:30AM.
      This schedule went on like this until last week. Then my world came crashing down. My boss had hired a good friend of hers to work in the office and that person was now a new mother and unable to commit to the office. My boss decided that she would increase MY hours at work to make up for her friend being gone.  I would be in the office Monday thru Friday from 8:30-3:30. She also said that eventually it would be a 40 hour position. I DID NOT want my schedule to change and I did not want to work more than 24 hours per week at this time. Her responce to that, basically, was that this was the way it would be and I could quit if I didn't like it because my old job was gone. No more water aerobics. No more running errands. I had decided to bowl on Mondays because I would have all day to run errands, prepare for our dinner, and then get there at night. Now I have committed to a team and I couldn't drop them. I would have to rush home after work, grab dinner, and then rush across town to bowling. I would now have to rush around on Tuesdays and Thursdays to get ready for tax class. I would have to fit in errands whenever I could.
    I know some of you are reading this and thinking that I'm a whiney little spoiled brat. Yes, that is true in some cases. BUT, I have lived this type of life before. When I worked at the University of Virginia, I worked a 40- plus hour work week. I would end up working 70 hours per week sometimes. I worked at that job from 1998-2006. It CONSUMED my life. I couldn't even take a vacation day without there being some issue that I would have to attend to. I was constantly attacted to my email. I had to change my home phone number because my co-workers were calling me at 1am in the morning with problems. It was terrible and stressful. I was upset all of the time. I looked like I was 20 years older than I was. I started having problems with IBS and acid reflux. I was living off of fast food. I was tired and sleepy all of the time. I would cry in the bathroom at work and continue to cry at home. I complained all of the time too. When I my husband and I sat down to dinner each night (usually fast food that I picked up) I started the complaining which was stressing him out. I was not fun to be around and I didn't like who I had become. I put a quick stop to that. I left that job and started back to school.
   The time period when I was unemployed was great. I had developed a little daily routine. I was stress free and happy. I was well rested and my husband and I were eating well. I had time to research recipes and find the best way to prepare them as well as the time to prepare them. I was getting housework done and losing some weight.
    But, alas, the bad habits have started again. The first thing that has happened is that my complaining has started again. I did not like my job at 24 hours. I HATE it at 35. I do not really like the way our organization (if you can call 4 people an organization) is run and I dislike everyone there. I've been bringing my problems home to my husband. I have only made it to the gym one time this week because I have to go to bed late in order to get everything done after work each day OR because I'm just too mentally tired to get up OR because I'm so afraid that I will oversleep and not get to work on time that I'm not sleeping well at night. I have also ditched my bowling team twice and my tax class 2 times. I have not beeing eating breakfast or lunches. I have made convenient (and not so healthy) dinners each workday.
    Yesterday was just the fifth day of my new schedule. Disaster is ensuing already.

The Biggest Loser...mixed thoughts

    Last night I watched the Biggest Loser as I always do. I am starting to have mixed feelings about the show. I have been watching this show since its first season. I can remember the morning radio shows talking about the show the morning after the first show of the first season. They were all making fun of seeing the nearly naked fat people. This was a new concept. Most of us fat folks try to hide our fat. But, those first brave contestants really paved the way us all becoming a little less shocked at seeing rolls of fat. I remember thinking during that first show that this show wouldn't make it to a second season. I was so wrong!! I thought this because I thought no one was interested in seeing a bunch of fat people trying to lose weight. What I DID NOT take into account was the number of fat people in this country who were also watching the show. Until the Biggest Loser came along, I thought I was the only morbidly obese person in this country. I often felt that way. When I left my home, I felt that I was some freakish monster because everyone else is so much thinner than me. I have changed my thinking slightly about this because of the Biggest Loser. I also didn't take into account that "fat" means many different weights from slightly overweight up to the super morbidly obese. This means that there are a lot of overweight people in this country according to weight standards.
     One thing that I've realized from watching the Biggest Loser is that we ALL have SOMETHING that we want to change about ourselves or improve. That is a good thing. That is life. We should never accept just staying the same. We should all be growing and learning and changing. Humans are dynamic. I want to change my weight, my job, my happiness level. We should all strive to change ourselves and the world around us at all times. This could mean something as simple as learning about a new culture or suddenly realizing that you like a new food. When I thought I was the only person with a "problem", I was wrong. Watching the Biggest Loser provides me the opportunity to see people who have the same challenge that I do and not feel so alone in this battle. These people can't ride amusement park rides, fit into booths at restaurants, or buy clothes in a "normal" store, just like me. That doesn't make it "OK", but it makes me feel less lonely. I always shout out a few "amens" during the show because I understand their challenges as a fat person.
   I say that I have mixed thoughts about this show for many reasons. I have to start out by saying that I would LOVE to be on the show. I have sent in 4 casting videos and gone to 5 open casting calls. I would love the opportunity to leave my normal life behind for a while and focus solely on my weight loss issues. It becomes difficult when you have life issues to take care of...laundry, cooking meals, fitting in exercise, taking care of loved ones, a job, dealing with debt, taking classes, grocery shopping and errands. The things that make life "life" really take me off of my course. I don't multitask in life very well. I can focus really well on one aspect and the others fall behind. If I have a bad day at work, I'll go on an eating binge. Or, if I am tired after a long day, I'll get fast food instead of cooking a healthy meal at home. At the Biggest Loser ranch, my focus would be on me. I could use the time to just focus on the weight loss. I could workout, learn about my eating habits, and take care of my mental health. I need the chance to just stop, shut down, and reset my mind and body mechanisms. AND, I really need that money. The $250,000 prize money would get me out of debt and clear my mind for one moment in time. Money problems are a HUGE part of my life. I KNOW I would win that show and therefore win the money and get the opportunities after the show. I would love to give speeches and motivate people.
    The mixed feelings start coming in from the entire concept of TV producing. Having been to so many casting calls, talked to so many hopefuls, and done a great deal of research, I know how this TV thing works. We don't see everything on TV that really happens. What we see has been manipulated to make good TV and the time frames are skewed. For instance, few know that contestants have a high calorie day and can let go of their eating for a day. When I was regularly on the Weight Watchers program, I would have an "anything goes" day on Saturdays. When I started doing that, the weight came off easier. Biggest Loser viewers do not get to see what the contestants choose to eat on those days and have not been given a good explanation as to why. Instead of trying to push gum, yogurt, protein powder, scales, subs, and water bottles to us, tell us some useful information. I would also like to know more about the safety behind losing so much weight in a short period of time. I know that 1-2 pounds is the recommended amount of safe weight loss. Why is it safe for these contestants to lose so much weight at one time? Is it OK for me to be in the gym for a total of 6 hours per day as well as long as my doctor says I'm healthy? These are the things that I would like for them to divulge to the audience. You know...how it all works. I think people need that because some people don't know how the Biggest Loser process works and get disappointed from their normal weight loss in real life. BUT, I do understand that maybe they can't go into all of that in 2 hours. Perhaps I'm the only one interested in that stuff. I am also conflicted by the way contestants are treated on the show. I think most people need a tough trainer with compassion. There is a way to talk to people. You don't have to beat someone to within an inch of their lives as Jillian has said to get results. Firm and compassion. There is a better way. BUT, when one signs up for the show, they know what they are getting into. I just wish exercise and meeting those goals could be presented in a more humane way. I have been working out since July 1, 2009 and enjoy it so. It is not torture, but a way to release stress and get me going for the day. I know that I should not be working out until I'm injured, throwing up, or passing out. Those are signs that something is wrong. BUT, if you want to go on that show, you want to get treated that way. I would love the chance to go on that show no matter how I got treated for the advantages of the opportunity. I also don't like the way they have the contestants wear those sports bras when they are at their heaviest. I know that the producers want the contestants to look terrible. It just seems so degrading. It says that the fat body is to be mocked and disrespected and the thin body should be adored and respected. BUT, if I got on that show, I would prance right up to that big scale (which is a fake) and show my rolls for all to see.
  So, you see how I'm conflicted about the show? It really doesn't matter, I suppose. I do see those contestants working out and it inspires me to do something. I used to watch and eat. Watching them workout made me really hungry. Now, I sometimes get on my excercise bike and ride during the show. I won't be buying any Extra gum or food scales because of this show...not yet.

"The" weight gain/loss journey...part 4

    In 1991 I started working at this crappy job driving a bus. It was the best/worse decision I've ever made. I would meet my current husband at this job, but the job ruined my back. I had an injury at the job that compacted my spine and has caused permanent damage to my back.  Because of this injury, I am not able to walk for very long before the pain causes my legs to go numb. It also just hurts to stand for long or sit for long as well.  I am generally in pain most of the time. Only recently have I been able to get exercise and only because I'm just having to fight through the pain. Right after the accident, I started to put on weight from inactivity.
     So, this kind of brings me up to today in my journey. I'll probably think of past things as the time goes on, but for now, this is where I am at. As I have said, I have tried MANY different diets. I think it was fate that I would try all of those diets. I've learned different things and have retained some of those habits. For example, I OFTEN break out a Weight Watchers (WW) recipe and fix it at home. This past week alone, I made two of my favorite WW recipes. I still read WW magazine and "sort of" calculate WW points in my head when making food decisions. I also found the Paul McKenna weight loss methods to be useful. I have his book, his DVDs, AND even watched his show on TV. In recent years I have even learned to love the taste of dill pickles, unsweetened tea, and mustard.
    The biggest change I've made in my life has occurred recently. As of July 1, 2009 I started going to the gym 3 times per week, for 30 minutes each time. I have faltered 2 weeks. I only went once on those 2 weeks because I have bone spurs in both of my heels and just couldn't stand the pain. It's been slow going because I cannot resist food. Like today. I got up at 5am, was dressed for the gym by 5:25, and in the parking lot of the gym by 5:31. I sat there and sat there. Finally, I gave up and went to McDonalds. I love their breakfast. I ate WAY too much and cried while I did it because of the guilt. When I went to my physical in September, I had only lost 2 pounds in 2 months because of this behavior. I also stopped drinking sodas on February 25. I decided to observe Lent this year and I gave up soda. I had once drank at least four 12 ounce cans of soda per day. I now mostly drink water, tea (mostly unsweetened), very little Crystal Light (I love the lemonade and fruit punch), and the occasional beer or hard cider.  I thought I would drop all of this weight, but that did not happen because of my eating habits. I crave all of the wrong foods. That is going to be the next big step for me...eating right.
  Now that I have provided a substantial background for everyone, I hope to now do daily updates of what I've eaten, my exercise, and just anything related to my weight. Like I've said, maybe I can learn something from other people and perhaps they can learn something from me. Maybe we can all lose weight together. Maybe others will find strength to solve other problems if they do not have a weight problem. Right now, I am not comfortable enough to write what I weight. I will soon. BUT, I will say that I weight more than most contestants on the Biggest Loser. Don't worry. I will tell you all soon what I weigh. I've set the goal of losing enough weight to run the Charlottesville women's 4 miler Labor Day weekend of 2010. I would also like to run the Virginia Ten Miler at home in Lynchburg on September 25, 2010. My podiatrist is working with me to meet that goal and solve this bone spurs problem. He told me yesterday that I would meet my goal if I keep going to the gym and coming to him. I am also going to be going to my 20 year high school reunion in 2010 as well. I want to feel good about myself and enjoy the reunion while not being over-conscious about my looks. My friends deserve to have my attention on them and not on me.

"The" weight gain/loss journey...part 3

I started REALLY being interested in boys when I was in high school. I had crushes on boys before that time, but nothing that made me think about a boy ALL of the time. It hit me in ninth grade. I fell in love HARD!! But...he wasn't in love with me. He was a smart, African American kid just like me. He had been a nerdy type when we were in middle school together. I really didn't like him back then. He was mean to me and would do little spiteful things. Then, I found myself thinking about him during the summer before my ninth grade year. Looking back, I was really funny. I would see him outside of school and do the old "ignore him" thing like I was not interested. I would often secretly ride by his house in the hope of seeing him. When we got back to school for our ninth grade year, he was not so awkward. He was actually very cute. I started to desire seeing him all of the time. If we had a class together, I could not concentrate. I was always on the lookout for him in the hallways, out in public, anywhere. In my head, I just knew that he was one of those boys that liked a girl for her mind and wouldn't care about my looks. He was smart and he deserved a smart girlfriend. That was a naive girl's thinking. What I didn't realize at the time was the nature of teenaged boys (and adult men too). They want to fit in and be popular. Even if he had feelings for me, which he didn't, he could not have expressed them. He needed to be popular just like I wanted to be popular and every other teen in America did. Having a fat, smart girlfriend that didn't put-out wasn't going to do that for him. He was just trying to survive like I was. But, at the time, I was hurting. I know that he knew my feelings. The biggest heartbreak was when he started dating. I could only imagine what he did with those girls. The thought that some unworthy girl would be his "first" killed my spirit. There were two moments that sealed my emotional fate with him. I asked him to be my date for my debutant ball and he turned me down. He also lovingly showed up at our senior picture session with his girlfriend (who he had the habit of dressing like). Even though my high school years were the best time of my life, my self esteem was at an extreme low.
The next time I fell in love was quite different from my high school one-sided love. In 1990 I was accepted as a student into the University of Virginia (UVA). The summer before my first year, I was in a program known as the "Summer Prep" program. This was a program designed for "at risk" students. "At risk" meant that we were African Americans, athletes, first generation college students, or some combination of those attributes. My parents did not go to college until I went off to college and I am African American. College life and being away from home were totally new experiences for me. I was homesick that entire summer. This time period was one of the ones in which I lost a significant amount of weight. UVA is a sprawled out campus and walking is the most efficient mode of getting around. That summer, I walked everywhere, ate very little, sweated, cried, and missed my parents. There was one good thing about the program, however. I made friends. This is the hardest part for any college freshman and I had gotten that over with that summer. This is also where I met my second "love". He was a cute, cocky, smart, wealthy boy that knew about golf. At that time, I didn't know any African Americans that knew about golf. He was a smooth talker who often visited the pretty girls that were living in my suite. For the entire summer I disliked him for the qualities that I listed, but I soon saw another side of him. On the very last night of our summer program, he and I were two of the only few students who had not gone home yet. I was standing outside one night when he approached me and started carrying on a conversation. I knew he must have been bored for talking to me at all. The longer he talked the more charming he became. By the end of that night, I saw him as a caring, kind, intelligent man with a big heart. That night would change the entire course of my life.

When we returned back to UVA for the fall semester, I was physically stronger than I was when I got there for Summer Prep. I was happy and full of anticipation for the future. I was ready to study hard, get my degree, graduate, get a great job, and retire by the age of 40. One week into the semester, I had slept through 2 classes, had my first alcoholic beverage, and attended my first fraternity party. During that semester I continued to lose weight. I walked everywhere and ate very little. I was more interested in my "love". He SEEMED to be interested in me too. Again, I didn't understand the nature of some men. He was only interested in me when I was giving him something or giving him myself. I didn't see it at the time. The one good side effect of this relationship was that I continued losing weight. I was at my lowest weight during that time. I have never been a "thin" person. But, I was smaller. However, I was not small enough for him. I soon realized that I was his "secret" friend. I was the person who he hid from others. I wasn't girlfriend material because I was still fat. This relationship went on for 4 years. I spent so much time thinking about and pursuing him that I flunked out of college. That's my fault and I'm not blaming him. I just made REALLY bad decisions and I am still paying for them. Had I gotten my degree, I might have had a successful career and not had the string of unsatisfying jobs that I have had. My fault.
     So, why do these two men have so much to do with my weight loss journey? I really don't know. Maybe not at all. But, if I still get emotional about both of them, that tells me something. Maybe it is about the loss of innocence. Maybe it is regret. Maybe it is about wanting to be loved in with this fat body. Maybe it is realizing that I will never be worthy to others because of this body. I don't know. I'm hoping the blog and input from others will help me see if there is a connection.

"The" weight gain/loss journey...part 2

   My parents encouraged me to participate in activities just like any other kid when I was growing up.  They watched as I tried out for activities only to be turned down most times. In my heart, I was always an athlete. I remember trying out for the girls basketball team in middle school. I wanted so badly to do well. I seemed to forget that I was not only fat, but really short too. I even had the nerve to try out for cheerleading. Although Mrs. Callahan was a ruthless typing teacher, she was extremely kind cheerleading coach and let me down easy after the tryouts. I have always had the spirit of a thin person. I often feel invincible until I try to move and realize that my body can't do what my brain wants to.
     I was kind of active when I was a kid. I was about as active as a kid could be being confined to a school desk for the majority of the day. I loved school, but I hated gym class. My body was awkward. It also didn't help that I was extremely clumsy. I have always suffered from ear infections all of my life and have terrible balance issues. Even now, I fall and hurt myself because I feel like the world is zooming around too fast. But, in gym class, I was just not comfortable moving my body in front of people. Most times I would be hurt, have a note from my mom or doctor, and have to sit out of gym class anyway. Once while attending Linkhorne Middle School, we were playing basketball in gym class. A pencil rolled out onto the basketball court and I slipped up on it. Out of that entire basketball court, my foot found that one little pencil. When I went to the doctor that evening (I ended up having a sprained elbow and had to wear a sling) he asked me if my parents were abusing me. I was in his office so much that he couldn't believe that I was actually hurt so much by accident. I laughed as I explained that I was just a clutz.
     Most days after school I played tennis, played basketball, rode my bike, and went for walks. I loved being inside though. I loved studying, reading, and watching TV and movies. My favorite thing to do was dance. Both of my parents worked and I would be home alone for at least 2 hours before my parents would show up. I would call my mom to let her know that I had gotten home safely and immediately raid the refrigerator. I would then watch TV until Dance Party USA came on the USA channel. I LOVED that show. I would dance and dance. I used to dream about being on that show. I would get to hang out with Princessa or Kelly Ripa and be on TV for the world (it was the world to me) to see. Dancing was a big part of my life. When I was in elementary school, I took ballet and tap lessons for years. Mrs. Carol Riggs told my mom that I had wonderfully expressive hands and that I was amazingly graceful. But, there came the time when I had to stop dancing lessons because my weight would not allow me to progress and go en pointe. My weight was too much for my toes. I was crushed. I had longed to wear the long tutu and get a beautiful pair of silky pink pointe shoes. I gave up on tap dancing too. But, I never gave up on dancing totally. I would dance all of the time when I was at home and still do. I had this habit of trying on new clothes and seeing if they passed "the dance test". I suppose I thought every outfit should be ready to bust a dance move at any moment. I would also listen to John Garabedian's Open House Party on K92 every Saturday and Sunday night. I would dance from 7pm until midnight in the hallway outside of my bedroom. My mom wanted to be a professional dancer when she was younger. I must have gotten the dance fever from her. In my house I could move anyway I wanted to and not have to think about my body.
    Looking back I can totally see how my weight issues began. I am NOT going to ever blame anyone else for my weight gain. I am responsible for my weight issues. Even as a child, I was a smart kid and knew what I was doing. My parents only did what they knew to do. They are NOT responsible for what I've become. I'm an only child (I had a brother that died as an infant 2 years before I was born) and totally spoiled. I have always been a manipulator, especially when it comes to food. That is what makes me think that my issues stem from an addiction to food. For the first 3 or 4 years of my life, I was very sick. I had bad tonsils and they prevented me from keeping much food down. I was always throwing up when I was younger. But, when I was 5 years old, my tonsils were removed and I could freely eat. I was, and still am, uncontrollable around food. I was in nursery school when I discovered that food comforted me. I would have breakfast at home each morning and then have the free breakfast when I got to nursery school. After nursery school, I would be dropped off at my Grandma's house. She would give me a snack, my uncle would give me one, and my Daddy would too. Then, I would go home and have dinner. I have always loved Good Humor strawberry shortcake bars. At my Grandmother's house I was also not allowed to go outside and play because she was afraid that someone would kidnap me. I would sit and watch TV for hours until my parents got off from work and would take me home. Food gave me something to do that I loved.
   Being home alone after school was scary and I was bored. Food comforted me in that situation too. After I blazed through the snacks after school, I was often left bored and ready to eat some more. But, there would be nothing to eat. So, I fixed that. I learned to cook. I was always mature for my age and could be trusted with dangerous things like a stove. I would whip up cakes, pies, turkey divan, chicken a la orange, and anything "instant". My parents appreciated it after a hard day at work. I was just thinking about how the food would be prepared already and we could go on and eat. Elementary school was about the time I also started developing a love of sodas.
     As I got older, my relationship with food deteriorated even further. In high school I gave up on losing weight. Only twice in my life, up until that point, had I been able to lose significant amounts of weight. Once was on the old all-you-can eat pickle/mustard/tea diet. My pediatrician put me on that diet the summer before 5th grade. When I went back to school to register that fall, no one recognized me. That summer was torture. I do remember being allowed to drink "milkshakes" made from skim milk, cherries, and bananas. I learned to enjoy the milkshakes because everything else was so terrible. The second time I lost weight was due to being homesick. I had gone off to the University of Virginia for their Summer Enrichment Program (a program for smarty kids) the summer before 7th grade (I think). The 1 hour and 30 minute distance from Lynchburg seemed like thousands of miles away. I was homesick and didn't eat most of the time I was there. We were also walking everywhere. I was hot, hungry, and miserable the entire time. I recently asked my mom how long the program was because it seemed like I was there for months of torture. It was only for 2 weeks! I lost so much weight in that 2 weeks that my parents didn't recognize me when they came to pick me up.
   Again, I gave up by high school. I just figure that I was made this way and there was no use in trying to change it. Then came something I was not used to...love. Ok, puppy love. I had my first crush when I was in middle school. He was a family friend and I had just seen him as an annoying boy that I knew. All of a sudden he wasn't so annoying anymore. I would only see him when our families infrequently visited each other and soon my heart was filled by someone else. High school was when I started to really "find" myself. I will say that my high school years were the best years of my life. It's sad to think that 4 years out of my life from 20 years ago would be the best time period in my life (thus far). AND, that compared to most, it wasn't that great of a time. I was starting to feel more comfortable with who I was. I had figured out what I was good at and focused on those things. I was fairly good at academics. I studied hard because I knew that I had to get into college. I joined organizations with others that made me comfortable. No one ever "made fun" of my weight and I felt like a typical high school student. Yes, I would have loved to have been an athlete or a cheerleader. But, I found happiness in other things and all was good. The only time my weight seemed to really bother me was when it came to boys.

"The" weight gain/loss journey...the beginnings

  I started this blog in the hopes that I would be able to find out more about myself as well as other people. I love learning from other people. I want to learn what works for other people and how I can help myself. In saying that, I want to be honest and open about myself. It may take many posts before I will get all of my background out to you, but I will write each day and try.
     The biggest lesson I have to learn about relates to my weight. I have been overweight since I was about 5 years old. Wait a minute. I should say that I have been FAT since I was 5 years old. There I said it. Fat. Fat. Fat. Not overweight. Not chubby. Not fluffy, pudgy, plump, or zaftique. Fat. OK. I've said it. I'm trying to be more honest with myself. This is the first step. I'm saying that I'm fat. Moving on.
    I have tried many many many diets.  I've learned something from each one of them and I've even lost some weight on them. But, the weight never stayed off. I was on a diet when I was 8 years old once. On that diet I could have all of the mustard, unsweetened tea, and dill pickles that I wanted. Trouble was...I didn't want any of that crap. Back in those days, the goal of most diets was just to lose weight. It didn't matter whether it tasted good or whether one could maintain that lifestyle. When I was in elementary school, my mother went on the Nutrisystem program. Back then, all of the food items were packed in nondescript cans with white labels and black writing. You even had to go to their "store" and pick up your "groceries" for the week. When Mama would plop the food on a plate it looked and smelled (so she says) like dog food. But, having had the pleasure of mainly eating my mustard, dill pickles, and unsweetened tea, I devoured her "dog food" and wanted seconds. She hated the stuff so why let it go to waste? She lost weight because she wasn't eating and I gained because I was eating.
      I can remember when I was about 5 years old having one pediatrician humiliate me and make me feel bad about being fat. I had been a pretty average sized kid until I had my tonsils removed when I was 5. Suddenly, I went from not being able to eat to being able to eat everything in sight. At first, my family thought I would grow out of it. They even thought it was kind of cute. I was the cute pudgy kid. As I got older, however, they realized that I was fat and that this wasn't normal.  They tried not to alarm me to the seriousness of my situation and tried to make me feel as normal as possible.